A new chapter every day for a week

This week, May 1 specifically, marks one year since we took our daughter out of the NICU and brought her home for good. In honor of that anniversay, I am going to do something a little different this week. Each day, I'll post another chapter in the story of the Delaney's new life, if I may borrow a page from my favorite new-literature site, www.fivechapters.com . I'll share the stories of our decision to add to the family, her stay in the NICU, as well as the time my son, Sean, touched her face for the first time. I've been wanting to write about these things for a long time, but I generally don't like long posts, so this is a way I can break it up in a way that I hope will make it easier to read.

The story begins Tuesday.

Was father's age a factor in Va. Tech shootings?

I've struggled this week about just how to write this. Several news outlets have reported that the father of Virginia Tech gunman Cho Seung-Hui is 61. The shooter was 23, which would mean the father was in his late 30s when his son was born. Not old by the standards around here, but it does bring home the seriousness of what the decision to delay childbearing can mean. It's unclear to me what exactly Cho was diagnosed with in the past, but two things I have seen have been schizophrenia and autism.

The link between advanced paternal age and schizophrenia has been recognized for a long time now. And just what is advanced paternal age in this case? Late last year, a French researcher concluded that while "no threshold can be precisely defined," there did seem to be a difference in risks for those younger than 35 and those older than 35. There also studies that show an association between both maternal and paternal age in autism. In fathers, there may be an increased risk with each advanced decade of the father's age. Without knowing anything more than the father's age and the son's reported behaviors and ultimate violent act, it's impossible to say here if the father's age had any effect whatsoever. But I think we can conclude it was one, and only ONE, of the potential risk factors involved in this tragic case.

That said, it's important to note that Cho's actions could not be explained away by either a diagnosis of schizophrenia or autism. Obviously, most people with those disorders never do anything like he did. I don't think we'll ever know what got in him to do what he did. To say "he did this because he was autistic" - or whatever - does more to stigmatize those with disorders than it does to satisfy the need to explain why it happened.

It also doesn't mean that older dads are destined to have violent, angry kids. As I've stated many times before, the vast majority of our kids will turn out to be just as quote-unquote normal as our younger-parenting counterparts, though there are some increased risks. Those risks are real and should be taken seriously when making family-planning decisions.

Thanks to concerned heart for posts about the research on advanced paternal age.

Better to have boys? Study found female children of older dads don't live as long

I'm reposting information about a study (lead author is Leonid Gavrliov, a longevity researcher) that was recently added to a post I made in March. According to the authors of the study, published in 2000, adult daughters born to older fathers (ages 45-55) lived shorter lives, and that each additional year of paternal age the daughters lost about half a year of life on average. Interestingly, sons of older dads did not have a similar decrease.

Lots of interesting demographics here about older parents in general. The study can be found at
http://longevity-science.org/Parental_Age_2000.pdf

Thank you to Dr. Gavrilov for bringing this to my attention.

What do you say to a child at times like this?

I was watching some video the other day that I shot for my son's first birthday party. The 9/11 attacks had occurred about a week earlier. The video shows everyone having birthday fun, but the mood is quite obviously subdued. I was glad he was too young for me to have to explain what had happened and how the attacks had emotionally wounded everyone around him.

I didn't have to explain much about the terrorist attacks to him in those early years, but a few years later I read him "The Man Who Walked Between the Towers," the wonderful Caldecott-Medal-winning book by Mordicai Gerstein. There's a line in his book near the end that reads simply, "Now the towers are gone." That line probably prompts every young child to ask "Why?" just as mine did. It was easier to explain three years removed from what happened, but still difficult to put into words why someone would attack us. The book was a peaceful way of bringing up a topic that I knew someday he would have to know about.

I wish that had been the only act of large-scale violence I had to explain, but then there was the massacre at Va. Tech. Ironically, it happened about a week before my daughter's first birthday. What a sad coincidence. As with my son in 2001, I can put off for a few years having to explain that to her, but what of my son? How do you explain the senseless? When you can't answer "Why?" for yourself, how can you answer it for a child?

nice multimedia for dads

The Washington Post has gotten a lot of attention for its OnBeing series, which simply lets various everyday people tell their own stories in their own words on video. Today's story is worth hearing - it features Jeffrey Barehand, a stay-at-home dad with a baby at home. Here's the link, check it out.

Week of the young child in Winston-Salem

Passing along this press release just fyi if you live around here:

Smart Start Celebrates Week of the Young Child

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—Smart Start of Forsyth County celebrates Week of the Young Child (April 22nd-28th) to thank educators and others involved in building better futures for all young children.

The Week of the Young Child is an annual celebration sponsored by the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) to focus public attention on the needs of young children. Smart Start of Forsyth County will be celebrating the Week of the Young Child with a variety of activities:

On Tuesday, April 24th Smart Start staff will serve lunch to two child care centers, Clemmons Moravian and the Creative Learning Center, for their winning essays in a contest sponsored by Smart Start.

On Thursday, April 26th Smart Start and A Child’s World Learning Center will host the 2nd annual Kids March for Quality Care in downtown Winston-Salem. Parents, childcare providers, and advocates for children are invited to participate in the march which will begin and end at Corpening Plaza. The event will begin at 11:00 a.m. All participants are invited to stay after the march and enjoy a brown bag lunch in the plaza; beverages will be provided.

On Sunday, April 29th Smart Start will officially end its 2007 book drive. The purpose of the drive is to collect 1000 new or gently used children’s books to encourage reading before kindergarten. Barnes & Noble in Winston-Salem will hold a benefit week from April 21st through April 29th. Customers who present a voucher with their purchase items will have up to 20% of their purchase total donated to Smart Start’s book drive. Vouchers can be found online at www.smartstart-fc.org , at the Smart Start office, or at Barnes & Noble. Books are needed in both English and Spanish.

For more information about Week of the Young Child, contact Natasha Gore at Smart Start of Forsyth County at 714-4344, or natashag@smartstart-fc.org.

A few words on Virginia Tech

I don't know what I could possibly add to what has been said about the tragedy at Virginia Tech. I was fortunate yesterday to talk to some students who, mercifully, were not involved in the shootings but like everyone else could not help being caught up in what was happening. Of course, this was a big story for us, and I wanted to do what I could to help our coverage. Over the course of my career, I've talked to many victims of crime and their families. I know there's a stereotype out there that journalists expect victims to talk and will work aggressively to make sure they do. In fact, asking questions of those who have been through tragedy is one of the most difficult and heart-wrenching things we do. What keeps many of us going, myself included, is knowing that at times like this there are people out there who really want to talk about it, who have a perspective that they want to share with others. They want their voices to be part of a collective understanding of what happened. You can hear some of those voices through our ongoing coverage at www.journalnow.com.

Anyone with thoughts on the shootings can feel free to post.

It's hard to imagine what it's like to have a child at the university right now. Virginia Tech has set up a hotline for parents and family, it is 1-800-533-1144.

I also have some Wake Forest readers out there. FYI, the school has posted a letter from Dr. Hatch, a parents Q&A, and a crisis plan review on the school's parents' page.

NY Times on 60-and-over dads

Under the headline "He’s Not My Grandpa. He’s My Dad" the New York Times today wrote about older dads, or as they refer to them, SODs - start-over dads. The story examines family life for dads 60 and older, and includes a list of "SODs" such as Paul McCartney, Rod Stewart and Kenny Rogers. Most of the story focuses, however, on the psychological ups and downs for families with an older dad in the picture It's a very good read and I highly recommend it.

By the way, I'm not likely to adopt the "SOD" shorthand. Plenty of us are not starting over, just starting out. Anyone got a better catchphrase for older dads?

Thoreau & son: Roughing it, suburban style

My son and I have anxiously awaited the right time for his first overnight camping experience, and the arrival of spring weather gave us a chance to do that last week. Armed with a Harry Potter lantern and a good book ("The BFG" by Roald Dahl) we ventured into the wilderness. Not that far into the wilderness, actually, we set up camp in the backyard in a tent my mother gave him three years ago to play in.

I had a great time teaching him how to set up a tent, and he was very helpful hammering in the stakes. We packed the tent with sleeping bags, some drinking water, a flashlight and some extra pillows. By the time we started settling in, the sun had already started fading. There was a fantastic full moon that spread its light through the tent screens, and Sean loved looking up and seeing stars instead of a bedroom ceiling. After several pages of reading about the big friendly giant, Sean drifted off to sleep.

He woke up around 3:30 a.m. and asked for something I hadn't thought of packing - tissues. I knew he wasn't about to leave the tent for the darkened wilderness, so first I offered him a sleeve of my shirt, but sensing the flow of mucus could be more than I'd anticipated, I suggested - helpfully, I thought - that he blow his nose in the corner of the tent, and we'd clean it up in the morning. But his Momma taught him better than that, so I made the "camper's walk of shame" back into our house, and got the tissues and some extra blankets, and his mommy made sure I took Sean his stuffed bunny with me on the return trip to the tent.

A few hours later, I woke up with the surround-sound symphony of the neighborhood songbirds. It was a stunning and wonderful sound, almost humbling in a way. I heard Sean start to rustle too, and I hoped he offer a trenchant analysis of the outdoor dawn. Instead, he woke up and said "Am I having a heart attack?" (For the record, he wasn't - he was just a little congested.) We didn't spend much time roughing it after that. Once he came around, it was time to trade the fresh open air for morning cartoons.

PHOTO: MommyG prepares to do a walk-through to ensure that our rugged outdoor abode is retrofitted for maximum coziness.

A Passover lesson for parents with young children

As the Passover season comes to an end, I wanted to share a great bit of advice I heard from a community seder I covered in 2004. It was held at Wake Forest University and led by Professor Andrew Ettin. Ettin is a gifted speaker with a rich, sonorous voice that I got to know as a freshman in his English class. The idea behind the community seder was two-fold - to give Jewish people away from home a chance to partake in the traditional holiday meal for Passover, as well as to give non-Jews like me a chance to experience Jewish culture.

Ettin spent much of the seder leading the group of about 30 people through a Haggadah, a liturgy about Passover filled with songs and stories. But what I remember most about the evening was some ad hoc comments he made about the importance of education. He urged those with young children to answer any questions their children put forth to them, no matter how tiresome those questions may become. By doing so, parents would help ensure that they would raise inquisitive children with a love for learning.

His remarks came at a fortuitous time in my life as a parent. My son was about three and a half, speaking in full sentences and wanting know about everything big and small. Like most parents, my wife and I were getting bombarded with questions that never seemed to end. I shared Ettin's advice with my wife, and we made a concerted effort to do our best at answering every question instead of dismissing them, as we would have liked to have done, with a "You know, Daddy is really busy now..." And, sure, it got tedious, and most answers were followed with another question, often a simple "How come?" But I think it really paid off. Sean has a wonderfully curious mind and it's a pleasure to be able to educate him through a kind of parent-child reverse Socratic method.

He still asks a lot of questions, but I'm guessing he's about to age out of it somewhat. Of course, that's just in time for the little one to start asking.

PHOTO: Andrew Ettin speaks during the community seder at Wake Forest University in April, 2004. Journal photo by Megan Morr.