Life with a free-range baby

Delaney is walking! It started out as kind of a cross between a walk and a belly dance - like something you'd see in a David Lee Roth video - as she learned to master the unforgiving forces of gravity. Now she is able to toddle pretty much anywhere she wants, inviting a whole new element of danger into the mix. Our house has gone from plain ol' babyproofed to full-scale Fortress Garber.

But we welcome her move to the ambulatory world. We get to watch her transition from baby to toddler, and those changes are coming quickly now. She's very curious about words, loves to feed herself when given the opportunity, and - for the first time - is regularly sleeping through the night.

I can remember when Sean was making that same move, things just seemed to get easier, and it was a whole lot easier putting ourselves into a toddler's world, to try to understand it as they see it and teach them from that perspective.

Photo: "No, wait, don't help me, I can do it myself..."

Skip Prosser

As anyone who knows me knows, my ties to Wake Forest are deep and strong. So it was a sad day yesterday as rumors of Skip Prosser's passing were confirmed. He was a credit to the University, and not just because of what he did for the basketball team.

After I graduated from Wake in '86, I left my native Winston-Salem and travelled around quite a bit, but always within ACC Country. During those times, the basketball team was a constant source of pride for me. Win or lose, as long as I had the team to cheer for and follow, I had an ongoing connection to my alma mater. Today, there's nothing quite like watching my son don the black-and-gold tie-dye shirt to catch a game, or to watch little Delaney shake the plastic streamers that make up her Wake Forest pom-pom.

I started getting e-mails from my fellow Deacon fans soon after the rumors started flying yesterday, trying to ascertain what I knew, which at that point wasn't much. With confirmation came sadness. I've seen coaches come and go, and their departure always brings up the question about the future of the team. When a coach dies, though, it's different. It's more personal, even if, as with me, you don't know them beyond the games. You give pause, you mourn, you realize the team will be fine and there's a time to deal with that later.

I lost my father when he was about Skip's age, also to a heart attack. I thought about that a lot last night. How could I not?

We have lots of coverage on http://www.journalnow.com/

Photo by Journal photojournalist Bruce Chapman.

A must-read for those considering IVF/egg donation

Peggy Orenstein has written a lengthy and very compelling story in The New York Times Magazine that ran Sunday about the growth of in-vitro fertilization using donated eggs. For the most part the growth has come from the gray end of the parental-age spectrum, and in fact the practice has helped extended that range. The story opens with an anecdote from a woman who, was in her mid-40s when she underwent the procedure in 1992. (Her 6th-grade daughter had asked her what year Mom and Dad had met their donor - now there's a lede that will grab you! Apparently the child has known since pre-school about the donor.)

Many stories about IVF/donation focus on the decision, not as much on what happens after baby arrives. This story looks into a lot of the issues of having a child from a donated egg, including whether or not to tell the child how they were conceived.

On the subject of older parents, here is a quote I found fascinating:

"The birthrate among women ages 40-44 has risen 62 percent since 1990, while the rate among those in their late 40s has more than doubled. Among those who used I.V.F. in 2004, about a third of the 43-year-olds used someone else’s eggs; by 47 years old, 91 percent did."

Orenstein is the author of the memoir “Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, a Romantic Night and One Woman’s Quest to Become a Mother.” In the article, she says she underwent an unsuccessful donor-egg IVF treatment before conceiving her daughter without the treatment.

Anyone have thoughts for this post?

Yesterday I got a response to a post that is a few weeks old, so I figured I'd make a new posting so people could see it and respond if they wanted to do so. Here is what was written:


Chapina said...
This is the first time I "blog," so you'll have to pardon me if it is posted under the wrong section. I am trying to find help with an unexpected pregnancy. I am 35 years old and my husband is 55. He was blessed with two children in his prior marriage and they are now adults. We thought that this would not be part of our future. Frankly, I have been filled with the sense of panic coming from him. I know he wants me to have an abortion, but I just cannot reason this option when we love each other, we are in a financially stable situation, we are very healthy. Any thoughts?


Chapina, I not going to weigh in on whether or not you should keep your baby - that is a decision between you and your husband, and perhaps a marriage or family counselor or a member of your clergy can help you. Given that both of you are of advanced parental age, you may want to consider genetic counseling as well.

Your situation brings up a lot of issues that we routinely talk about here. It's not possible to glean from your post why your pregnancy fills your husband with such panic, but that is something that will be important for you to know. It could be that he feels he's close enough to retirement that he's looking forward to a life without the day-to-day issues of raising a young child. Or perhaps, looking at costs such as college, etc, that perhaps he doesn't feel as financially secure as you do. He may also be worried about getting older and not being able to be there for his child.

Another possibility - it's not that he doesn't want to have the child, but he's worried about potential risks that come from advanced paternal age, and he fears for the health of the baby.

I hope it works out well for y'all. Anyone else have suggestions?

Poll: Marry later, keep your day job

A wealth of information is coming from a newly released PEW Research Center poll on the values and behaviors related to marriage and parenthood. Much of the press about this report has been focused on the finding that only 41 percent of respondents said that children were very important to a successful marriage - a surprising drop of more than 20 percent compared to 1990. (In fact, sharing of household chores was said to be very important by more of respondents - at 62 percent, a 15 percent increase since 1990.)

In scrolling through the findings, I found lots of interesting tidbits related to dads and older couples. Here are some that stand out:

* 51 percent said "it is a good thing for society that more people are
marrying for the first time at older ages." Only 4 percent said it was a bad thing.

* I've seen lots of blogs from stay-at-home dads (SAHDs), usually touting the benefits thereof. I would have thought that there was a growing acceptance of the practice. That's not what the researchers found. They found that 20 percent of women thought stay-at-home dads were a bad thing for society, the same number who said that 10 years ago. In fact, more men (23 percent) said it was a bad thing than women, a figure I found fascinating. (Almost 40 percent of women said more fathers staying at home so their wives could work full-time was a good thing, compared to only 32 percent of men who said that.)

* On the importance of both mom and dad, 69 percent tended to agree with the following statement: "If someone says a child needs a home with both a father and a mother to grow up happily, would you tend to agree or disagree?" But there was a pretty big difference among men and women on the question: 78 percent of men tended to agree, and 61 percent of women tended to agree. Looked at another way, more than a third of women tended to disagree that a child needs a home with both a father and a mother to grow up happily.

* What's the best age to get married? The answer differed when talking about brides vs. grooms. Only 14 percent said 30-or-over was the ideal age for a woman to marry, while 27 percent said a man should be 30 or older. In fact, more women (30 percent) said a man should be 30 or older than men (24 percent).

* Opposition by women to gay couples raising children has declined in the last decade, dropping from a majority of women opposed (56 percent) in 1997 to 42 percent in the current poll. (I don't have any stats to back this up, but I'm willing to bet that gay couples who adopt or otherwise have children tend to be older than their male-female counterparts.) More men in the recent poll said they opposed gays raisng children (59 percent), but the researchers did not provide previous results for men as the did for women.