On biological clocks, risks, and rewards of older parenthood

In the last few weeks, we've talked variously about this study and that which have put older parenthood in some new light. Some of the studies are somewhat frightening, particularly those about the genetic risks that come with later pregnancies. Others have been more positive, including the study from Brian Powell et al noted earlier this month that found parents 35 and older were more likely to pass on cultural, economic and social resources to their children. So, what to do with all this information?

Here's what I think: Prospective older parents need to make an informed choice, balancing the potential social benefits that they pass along to their children by waiting against the genetic realities of getting older. After a certain age, a few years plus or minus around 40, biology begins to catch up with us. Studies have shown that it's harder for older couples to conceive, and the chance for miscarriage is also higher. The risk of certain genetic conditions is also higher for older parents, as oft-noted here. That said, though there is an increase, the chances that a child will be genetically "normal" are still higher than a genetically "abnormal," for lack of better terms. It's sad but true that there are inherent genetic risks in any pregnancy. But it's also true, I've heard time and again, that many feel they are more confident parents when they get older and better able to provide a stable home for their children and are more able to give them the kind of childhood they think they should have.

Of course, the decision to have a child is not always about that child, but what the parents want for themselves and their families. I've also noted testimony here from older first-time dads how having children has completely changed their lives for the better. That's true for me too. I've gotten more from my two kids these last six years than I think I've had from anything else in my life - more laughter, more tears, more understanding, and overall just a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

I'd like to hear what you think.

Parental involvement, day care and childhood behavior

Lots of media attention being focused today on newly released results from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development study, which found that "the more time children spent in center-based care before kindergarten, the more likely their sixth grade teachers were to report such problem behaviors as 'gets in many fights,' 'disobedient at school,' and 'argues a lot.'" Also noted is that kids in higher quality care before kindergarten had better vocabulary scores than did kids from lower-quality places.

Less attention is being given to the caveat the authors note, quoting here from an NIH release: "[T]he researchers cautioned that the increase in vocabulary and problem behaviors was small, and that parenting quality was a much more important predictor of child development than was type, quantity, or quality, of child care."

the way I see it, on average it looks like active, involved parents can help overcome the slight increases in bad behavior that may come from sending the little ones off to day care. This is good news to me, as I have one in daycare and one who just transitioned to kindergarten.

The new daddy workload

I noted back in October a major study that indicated fathers are much more active now in the roles they play in family life than they were a few decades ago. Today, the Washington Post picked up on the issue in a story with a headline that reads "Fathers Are No Longer Glued to Their Recliners" (It's actually a companion piece to a story about "Mommy Guilt," which has been their main story for a while today on their web site.)

To quote: [t]he total workloads of married mothers and fathers -- when paid work is added to child care and housework -- is roughly equal, at 65 hours a week for mothers and 64 hours for fathers.
"It's not the case that men are slugs," said William Doherty, a family studies professor at the University of Minnesota who has done several studies on fatherhood. "It's a new generation of fathers, and they are internalizing some of the very high expectations that mothers have."

One of the interviews they did was with an older dad, Chris Calhoun, 47:

"This is the best thing that's ever happened to me," Calhoun said, gazing toward his 4-year-old son, Evan. His daughter, who is 2, was at home in Bethesda with her mom.
To make more time for his children, Calhoun structures his workdays around them as much as possible -- heading to his corporate real estate job in Fair Lakes for business hours, then coming home for a family dinner and time with the children from 5 to 8 p.m.
Once his children are in bed, he works again -- from 8 to 11 p.m.

Do children get more from older parents?

I was talking in my last post about the gifts I felt I was able to give my children as an older parent. Now I've found a study published last year by sociologists who found a trend among older parents.

The study is titled Advancing Age, Advantaged Youth: Parental Age and the Transmission of Resources to Children. The authors found that parents 35 and older were more likely to pass on cultural, economic and social resources to their children. The study looked mostly at mothers but a supplemental analysis also found a similar effect corresponding to paternal age. The researchers were looking at such things as whether the children had taken musical or other cultural classes, if the parents had started saving for college, if they knew their children's friends and their parents, if they routinely do things with their children, and if they volunteer at school.

"What we found throughout this research is a remarkably consistent pattern that suggests that advancing age of mothers - and, as suggested by supplementary analyses, fathers - provides an advantage to youths," the authors conclude.

The authors caution against overreaching, that there may be areas not studied where younger parents would be better able to provide resources. One example they give is that it may be advantageous to have younger children in areas such as play, sports and other areas that require physical energy or stamina.

Thank you to Brian Powell of Indiana University, the lead author, who provided me with a reprint of the article. The abstract and citation are in the next comment.

"Today Show" weighs in on male biological clock issue

The Today Show's Dr. Nancy Snyderman did a piece Tuesday on the issue of the male biological clock, making the comparison that if a woman's biological clock is like Big Ben, then a male's clock is like a pocketwatch ticking away less noticed.

I was impressed that the devoted so much time to the issue, a total of about four minutes. (The video actually runs about five minutes, but some of it is unrelated talk about Regis' bypass surgery.) At the same time, I thought the piece had an odd feel to it. As I have noted here earlier, some people have argued that the male biological clock concept has been surpressed for political reasons. I have opined on these cyberpages that it has possibly been under-reported because so few men read preganancy/parenting publications. But as it has become more and more a mainstream story (can you get more mainstream than the Today Show?) I'm starting to see a repeated theme in the stories - a lot of them have a kind of bemused comeuppance tone to them. It's not like this is a boy-girl "Mad About You" storyline here - these are serious issues that women and men need to consider together as they get older but still want children. I mean, do we really need the David Bowie/Queen song "Under Pressure" overdubbed during the interview of the guy talking about his decision to wait?

anyway, here's the link (See under "Tuesday's video." if this gets outdated, I was also able to find it by searching for "biological clock" under the show's video search page): http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/12065856/

The best thing for my kids about being an older dad

Read as much about older parents as I do, and you'll soon see that one of the biggest reasons people are glad they waited to have kids is because their finances are in better shape in mid-career than they were when they were younger. That's true for my wife and me as well - while not exactly flush with cash, we can usually provide what we want our children to have.

But I find the money far less valuable than two other things I can provide at this age than I probably could have earlier - my time to share with them, and a stable home to grow up in.

I was still moving around a lot when the first round of my friends started having kids, I was 30 by the time I finished graduate school. After that, I moved around trying to establish my career. I never lived in a place more than a few years before moving on.

Five years ago I bought my first home, and it is, for the most part, the only home my son has known, and the only place my daughter has lived outside of the time she spent in the NICU. Des and I are planning at this point that our kids will spend the whole of thier childhoods in the pink house in Lewisville we call home.

It was much the same for me and my brother Scott, the two kids in my parents' second generation of children. The two of us lived in three different houses, but all within about two blocks of each other. I lived in the same house from when I was 5 until I went off to college.

It was a much different experience for my older siblings, all born in the 1940s. My parents moved from state to state and house to house - my sister once counted 11 different homes she lived in as a child. I think my brother and I got the better end of that deal.

Because we are more settled, my wife and I can spend much more time face-to-face with our kids, and I think that's the best gift a parent can give a child. The money helps ease things for us for sure, but I doubt it makes much difference in a child's life. Even though my parents had settled down, they still didn't have much, but it never seemed to matter to us. Having a place I can look back on and call my childhood home, now that matters a lot.

Joining the club...

Apparently you can be an older parent and still be considered hot. Grey's Anatomy star Patrick Dempsey, 41, and wife Jillian welcomed twin sons into the world last month. Mother and babies are reportedly doing fine. Also last month, Desperate Housewives star Marcia Cross, 44, and husband Tom Mahoney, 49, celebrated the birth of twin girls. Cross was put on precautionary bed rest but had an otherwise problem-free pregnancy, according to the celebrity press, and the baby girls are reported to be healthy.

"Heh, dee-dee"

Was this a milestone night for the Laney-bug? I don't know -- I'll report, you decide. It all happened at about 4:30 a.m. this morning. My wife had been up about a half hour earlier (we've gotten to the point where we both wake up now, so Des can give me a friendly reminder of how unfair it is that the baby always wants her whenever she doesn't sleep through the night. Why this conversation can't occur at 8 a.m. I have no idea.) The 10-month-old Laney-bug was about to get back to sleep when my son awoke with a bloody nose. In times of crisis, he also prefers my wife to me - sometimes it seems like I'm little more than a glorified playmate with a checking account who happens to know how to make cinnamon toast.

So I took over the business of getting baby back to sleep. She was babbling as usual about all things pppbbbpttt and ffffmmmttt, etc. It was during this noisy twilight interlude that Laney turns to me and says, clear as a bell, "Heh, dee-dee." Could it be? Did she just say "Hey, Daddy?" It sure sounded like it. She drifted off not long after that. For all I know, she was trying in her little limited-vocabulary way to say "Your hair looks even more ridiculous at 4 in the morning than it does during the day," but who knows? My son started saying "dada" at about seven months, which I took no small measure of pride in until I realized that in his world "dada" also referred to Mommy, the dog, and most of his favorite toys. But Laney does have some words going - she's gotten pretty good about saying dog ("daw") and just started "uh-oh," two words that go together often regarding our 11-year-old border-collie mix.

One less option for older parents

It goes almost without saying that as people grow older and their ability to conceive declines, other options can still fill their desire for a child, including adoption. But for many that may soon become more difficult.

We ran a story today about new restrictions on adoptions of children from China. The new restrictions prohibit, among other things, people who are over 50 from adopting. I for one can't figure out how they came up with 50 as the cut-off age. It seems to me that someone in their 50s in reasonably good health (which they should be, since physical conditions are another reason to be denied) then you would think they would be around long enough to raise the child into mature adulthood. Also, they are looking for parents with solid financials, which would also tend to favor older parents. And older parents understand what kind of commitment they are making as they adopt, presumably it's a decision they've made where they feel they have the love, time and resources to make good parents. I'm sure more older parents than ever are looking at adoption given the recent attention on the genetic risks involved in having a child of their own.

There are still other adoption alternatives out there. I know a few couples who have adopted from China, and they have said that the process there was more reliable than what they had heard about other countries. Hopefully some of that has changed in recent years.

An older dad, a miracle baby

How could you not be moved by the story of Amillia Taylor, the tiny baby born after just under 22 weeks in her mommy's tummy? She was less than 10 inches long, and weighed under 10 ounces, when she was born in October. She has spent most of her life in the NICU since then but was released to go home for the first time yesterday. What a joyful day for a baby who had little chance of survival. She is believed to be one of the youngest preemies to survive. A typical gestation is about 37 to 40 weeks. My daughter was born at 35 weeks, and even at that age still had to spend time in the NICU before coming home. Although we were told she was never in any immediate danger, it was scary to have her hooked up to so many tubes, and it was sad when she couldn't come home straight from the hospital nursery. I can't begin to imagine what four months in the NICU was like.

I asked my wife what she thought of Amillia's story, and she said "Every family has a miracle. Look within your own family because miracles are there."

According to the Miami Herald the mother is 37 and the father is 46, and Amillia was conceived with the help of in vitro fertilization.

It could be argued - and in fact is being argued now on some other blogs - the the benefits of bringing a young baby into the world this way need to be weighed against the potential risks, which this case makes clear. Some have argued that adoption would have been a better choice than IVF for the Taylors (and in their defense, they are also in the process of adopting a 16-year-old daughter.) Any thoughts?

More on autism

In September, I noted a study that found the risk of children with autism rises with advanced paternal age, the results of which some in the autism community have questioned. Today the results of a new study were made public which indicates that the brain disorder may be linked to genetics in a more complex way than previously known.

You can get information on the new study at www.autismspeaks.org

Also, Sunday's New York Times featured a story on autism's impact on unaffected siblings. The upshot: The experience lead some siblings to become more mature and caring than their peers.

Not exactly a role model for older fatherhood

How can I get Zsa Zsa Gabor and Anna Nicole Smith into a blog about older dads? Easy, thanks to Gabor's husband, Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, 59, who has thrown his hat into the ring surrounding the paternity of Smith's infant daughter. According to published reports, the prince said: "My wife says, 'If you bring a baby home then it's over.' If my wife wants to divorce me then it's up to her." Von Anhalt and Gabor, who is 90, have been married for more than 20 years. The prince claims the baby is the result of a long-running affair with Smith.

I think what has drawn people into the paternity case here, aside form the sheer celebrity factor, is that we all know there's an unknowable number of children out there who would love to have dads fighting to embrace them instead of ditch them, but they don't stand to inherit millions as Smith's daughter does. Is that what's motivating people to come forward in this case? I don't know, only the three men involved do. Hopefully they're motivated by the fatherly love they all claim is driving them. I wish the best for young Dannielyn - here's hoping this spectacle ends quickly and she ends up with a loving dad who will do his best to provide a secure and stable home for her. I'm also glad she's too young to see what's going on around her.

Music for dads (and everyone) from Rodney Atkins

"Watching You," a song by Rodney Atkins about a father's influence on his young son, has been No. 1 on the country charts for a couple of weeks running now. You can view the video at his website, www.rodneyatkins.com - just click "Launch the media player" tab. If you haven't seen it already, I would check it out. Kind of like Harry Chapin's "Cat's in the Cradle," it's a good reminder of how much influence we parents have on our childrens' lives, but this song is a lot more upbeat and has a good sense of humor. (Where "Cat's in the Cradle" was a total downer, even as a kid it bummed me out.) Trust me, you don't have to be a country music fan to enjoy this one.

A Plum interview

Last week I interviewed Mary Jane Horton, editor in chief of Plum Magazine. Plum is a pregnancy magazine for the 35-and-older mom. It comes out twice a year, and is available at Borders and Barnes & Noble, as well as their website, www.plummagazine.com. Horton is an older mom herself - she had a son at 36 and a daughter at 40. She said the world is embracing the concept of older parenting. If you want to hear more from her, I have attached some audio files of our interview.

We talked about how Plum Magazine came about and what makes it different from a typical pregnancy mag.
Click here for her description. (1:58 minutes)

As I've noted before on this blog, there is an emerging concept of a male "biological clock," similar to what has been talked about for women for years. I asked her if, given that there are some genetic risks to being an older parent, if she was worried that she might be advocating for something that may have an adverse effect on the child. "I don't think when you're talking about from 35 to 45, no," she said. "I do worry about it older than that." But knowing at what age should there be cause for concern is difficult, she said. She suggested that prospective older parents talk to their doctors about the risks and benefits.
Hear more of her answer here. (1:15 minutes)

The magazine has information about healthy pregnancies, birthing information, and taking care of the child from birth to about six months. What can a man get out of the magazine? Men don't tend to read a lot about pregnancy, she said (how true!), but the magazine offers good, fact-checked information any parent can use. There's also a men's photo essay.
Hear more about the magazine here. (2:27 minutes)

To hear the full interview (about 9 minutes) click here.

Making the daddy-baby bond

Here's an article from Parenting Magazine with tips on how dads can bond with baby. It's written mostly from a woman's perspective - i.e. how do you get daddy involved? - but still, you may find the tips useful.

Can you be a hip dad over 40?

It has almost no relevance to my life, but I enjoy reading the insights by Washington Post blogger Jill Hudson Neal - "Still Me - The Cool Mom's Guide to Staying Hip."

And yet, she thinks she has problems? Try being a 43-year-old guy with two young kids. In my 20s I danced in Georgetown nightclubs and drank beer in fashionable Baltimore pubs. In college, I even had a new-music radio show. But as the years went on it became harder to be hip, and having kids, while a total blessing, didn't make it any easier. I knew I had crossed a signifianct hipness plateau when I relaized I couldn't name any members of Coldplay* but knew all the first names of The Wiggles. I don't think there's any going back at this point. I find some comfort in lyrics from Tower of Power (and if you're old enough to read this blog you're old enough to remember the band):

As you're striving to find the right road
There's one thing you should know
What's hip today might become passe'

Can I ever relate!

* For the record, the members of Coldplay are: Chris Martin, guitars, piano, voice; Guy Berryman, bass; Jonny Buckland, lead guitar; Will Champion, drums.

The last place I'd expect to see a parenting article

I'm used to seeing articles about the grandparent experience in AARP - The Magazine (which I can read at my mother's house). The latest issue has an article about post-50 parents. "What's it like to be changing diapers at 50?" it asks. Indeed. You can see the issue here.

Rachel Reich

Last week I had the sad duty to report on the death of Rachel Reich, who died at the age of 38 after a battle with cancer that lasted more than two years. I first met Rachel in the summer of 2005, when someone suggested I let people know about a fundraiser that was being held for her. It didn't take long to realize there was a larger story here. Her cancer was diagnosed not long after she found out she was pregnant with her daughter Siera. Rachel said her doctors suggested immediate treatment for the cancer but said the treatment would create risks for the unborn baby. She decided to wait on the treatment, fight the cancer with herbal remedies in the meantime, then fight the cancer all-out after the baby was born. She knew her decision would give the cancer time to spread, but she felt she was doing the best for her baby.

I probably heard more from readers about this story than any other since I've been at the Journal. There were some who disagreed with the way she fought the cancer and the way she spent the money she raised. But even most of those people said they appreciated the sacrifices she made for her family.

I had the chance to interview her several times, sometimes just over the phone, sometimes at her family's small house in Lewisville. Some of those interviews could be difficult - the cancer in her mouth made her difficult to understand, and she sometimes barely had enough energy to discuss her struggle. In those conversations - which usually included Journal photographer Jason Arthurs - she was very candid about how sick she was feeling but also how she felt she could fight on. Her boundless conviction that she was doing the right thing made you believe in her and pull for her.

Back on topic

I had a wonderful experience at the Orange Bowl, and rested if not quite tanned I'm ready to get back to the usual topic of conversation. I thought I would lay out a few ideas for what I'd like to do this year. Here are some of my thoughts, and if there's anything you would like to see not mentioned here, let me know.
In no particular order:

* Some financial issues came up last year about college expenses and how people often underestimate the costs. Those reports didn't take into account that many of us will be facing college at the same time retirement is upon us, so I'm hoping to get some ideas on how to balance that issue.

* We'll probably talk a lot about the emerging concept of a male biological clock, an idea that got a lot of attention last year as the genetic risks of advanced paternal age came to the fore. It's probably worthwhile to have a discussion on the folowing topic: " Is there such a point when old becomes too old?"

* I have only had one generation of kids, but I know a lot of older dads have done what's been called "re-fathering," having a second round of children as their first set gets older. We will bring some of those fathers into the conversation to see how it's different.

* I'm also this year going to be on the lookout for health news for older men. My goal is to lose some weight this year, and as someone who lost a parent young, I know we all want to be there for our children and be healthy enough to get the most out of being parents. (You'd think that's be execise enough!)

* I also plan to continue posting some of my own experiences with my two kids, Sean and Delaney, just as a way of keeping things kind of personal here.

Orange Bowl reflections

I awoke the morning of the OB on the floor of a balcony of the Westin Diplomat, where I had decided to take advantage of the 70-degree weather and the roar of the ocean to help put me to sleep. (With four of us guys in a two-bed room, I was bound to sleep on the floor anyway!) When I awoke at night, I could see the lights of the ships as they passed slowly during the night, and the sunrise over the Atlantic was truly awesome, a sight I will never forget. Not many people on the beach at 7:30 am as I ventured out to collect some seashells for my 6-year-old son, an avid nature collector. There was a lot of excitement in the lobby and later at the pool as fans continued to drift in and everyone got ready for the game.
The rain did a number on us tailgaters, but it seemed to end not long before the game got started. I thought we would be vastly outnumbered by Louisville fans, but it didn't seem that way. Wake's side was well-represented and, from where I sat, seemed to be the more enthusiastic. We stood almost the whole game and the pom-poms flashed in unison at the right times. Of course I would have liked the game to have turned out differently, but I felt the team and the fans handled the loss well. Very, very few Deacon fans left before the end of the game, and the team got a long standing ovation when came down to our corner to salute their supporters.
"Proud to be a Deacon" seemed to be a phrase coined for this moment. I hated to see it end.