JournalNow.com: Fathers After 40

Please visit our new site at fathersafter40.com

2011-09-21T09:51:00.003-04:00

Fathers After 40 has a new domain and a revamped site. Please check us out our new site fathersafter40.com where we will continue the conversation about the life-changing experiences of being an older dad or of being the child of older parents.

Join us now at fathersafter40.com

Paul "Daddy G." Garber

We've moved

2007-11-14T13:39:00.000-05:00

Fathers After 40 can now be found here.

Can we help this expectant father?

2007-11-05T13:49:00.000-05:00

I got a post on a recent topic that I felt deserved a post of its own. Here it is:

On our 20th anniversary, my wife and I found out she was pregnant. I am 46 she is 45. We have a 16 year old daughter and a 13 year old son. We both are scared about being older parents and need help.

That must have been quite the anniversary surprise! My parents went through that as well - my mother and father were in their 40s when my brother and I came along, and had already raised three kids. I was still in college when my mother retired at 65. There were some advantages of being the late arrival, particularly in terms of stability. Most of my older siblings moved frequently in their youths as my dad went from job to job, while I spent my entire childhood in one neighborhood.

But I recognize as well that for the parents there are also significant downsides. I guess the key question is - what about being an older parent scares you?

Anyone else with thoughts?

No room for the changing table on the campaign bus

2007-10-31T11:43:00.000-04:00

More from my semi-regular, semi-serious coverage of the '08 presidential campaign featuring an unprecedented number of older dads.

A group of five would-be first ladies recently joined host Maria Shriver for a Conference on Women in Long Beach, Calif.

I loved a quote from Jeri Thompson, wife of candidate and older dad Fred Thompson. During the conference, Jeri spoke indignantly about being asked to join the campaign bus, but being told there was no room for a changing table. (The couple have a son, Samuel, who is still in diapers.)

Jeri Thompson says she remembers responding "I'm not going unless they find room for the changing table."

Amen - you gotta have the changing table if you're making a long trip with baby. That didn't stop the quote from ending up as fodder on "The Daily Show." Jon Stewart ran a clip from the convention with Thompson's quote, then adds "...and that's how the world learned Fred Thompson wears a diaper." You can watch for yourself here, with that particular quote coming about two minutes into the clip. Standard language warning applies.

Photo: One of these things is not like the other...(L-R) Jeri Thompson, Michelle Obama, Ann Romney, Elizabeth Edwards, and Cindy Hensley McCain pose together after speaking at the California Governor and First Lady's Conference on Women on Oct. 23. Romney is the only one who did not have a child near the time or after their husband turned 40. AP Photo by Matt Sayles

New Autism web video tool

2007-10-24T17:05:00.000-04:00

We've talked a lot about autism as a potential risk factor for older dads - in fact it could be argued that coverage of the autism study that showed the link led to the (long overdue) wave of coverage about the "male biological clock" phenomenon.

To many people, the spectrum of disorders associated with autism have been somewhat difficult to understand. What do they mean, for example, when they talk about such things as deficits in social reciprocity? Even if you can wrap your mind around the concept, you may not be sure if you're seeing those behaviors in your child.

If you're looking for help, there's a great new tool at the Autism Speaks Web site - an autism "video glossary" that helps explains some of the terms used in discussing autism. What I really like about the video glossary is that they have videos of "typical behaviors" in normally developing kids next to videos of similar behaviors that are acted out differently in kids who are showing red flags for autism. It really helps make some of the language much clearer to be able to see it.

You do have to register to use the site, but it's simple, just providing a name e-mail and password. I spent quite a bit of time on the site today and feel like I understand autism much better for having done so.

Father figures, part 2: Nick Nolte vs. Scott Baio

2007-10-18T11:21:00.000-04:00

The New York Daily News recently ran a story under the headline "'Grandpa dads' are the latest thing," about the supposed trend for late-life men having kids. They used Nick Nolte, 66, as one example. Nolte had a baby girl this month. Congrats to him.

But to talk about that as being part of a demographic trend, I'm here to tell you t'aint so. Actually, if you use Nolte as an example, there really is no trend for late-life dads having kids, in fact, despite high-profile cases such as Nolte and GOP presidential candidate Fred Thompson (see below) the phenomenon of men over 55 having children in some groups is actually decreasing. If you have to have a celebrity older dad, a better choice for poster boy may be Scott Baio, who at 45 is expecting his first child. (and is, in fact, used to being a poster boy.)

How do I know this? The CDC recently released its latest report on nationwide births, which covers the year 2004. As in previous years, the trend for men having children later in life is continuing. The following figures are based on live births per 1,000 men. The number of births in the 35-39 age group increased from 60.2 to 61.7. Also increasing, but less dramatically, was for the 40-44 age group, which rose from 23.4 to 23.9. Baio's age group, 45-49, also saw a slight increase.

Looking at the larger trend, going back 20 years, in 1984 there were 46 in the 35-39 age group and only 17.8 in the 40-44 group. (all of this is in table 21 of the report)

The CDC lumps everyone over 55 in one age group. That has remained steady for more than ten years, at 0.3 births per 1,000. Sorry, Nick Nolte, there won't be a lot of your same-aged peers pushing strollers down the red carpet. For white males, the number actually dipped for the first time in more than a decade, down to 0.2

Latest on the Male Biological Clock issue

2007-10-16T15:01:00.000-04:00

As a reader pointed out in a post last week, Psychology Today has taken up the male biological clock issue in an article titled A Man's Shelf Life, written by Mark Teich. There's been much written about the risks of later fatherhood in the last year, but this is among the best I've seen and I'm grateful that it was brought to my attention.

Here's the paragraph that sets up the story, what we in the newspaper business refer to as the nutgraf:

Scientists have long known that advanced paternal age (like increased maternal age) played some role in fertility problems and birth defects. Yet because the reports mainly involved children who died before birth or who had extremely rare disorders, no one really rang the alarm. Now, with new studies linking the father's age to relatively frequent, serious conditions like autism, schizophrenia, and Down syndrome, the landscape is shifting.

Here's a good bit of advice I haven't seen in many of the other stories:

For men, the findings may be, above all, a clarion call to take better care of themselves. "This should make men reconsider their role and responsibility in childbearing," says Barbara Willet, of the Best Start childhood resource center in Ontario, Canada. "Aging in men is an important issue, but health is the key issue. It's as if we're suddenly aware that men who want to be fathers need to be healthy, too."

and the related conclusion:

Men can't rewind their biological clocks, but they can slow them down, Fisch agrees. Just remember, once you're in your 40s, you're past your maintenance-free years—you have to take care of yourself. "If you want children from then on," he advises, "get into the best shape of your life."

[Fisch refers to Harry Fisch, director of the Male Reproductive Center at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital in New York City and author of The Male Biological Clock.]

While we're on the topic, there's one thing I'd like to point out about my interview with ABCnews.com. I had a fairly lengthy interview with the reporter, and only a little bit of that was used. That's not a problem, as a reporter I do that to people all the time and I knew going into the interview that it was likely to happen. Plus, you could argue it really wasn't on-topic for a story that was about politics, not genetics.

Anyway, the point I made during our discussion was that the risks of being an older dad may be a recent media phenomenon but it is not a recent scientific phenomenon. The link has been known by geneticists for years. In fact, the advisory on advanced paternal age by the American College of Medical Genetics goes back at least to 1996. You can read that here. So even if it didn't make the story, I felt like it was worth mentioning here.

More than PTA: Group focuses on dads' skills to help school

2007-10-10T11:41:00.000-04:00

Here's an idea I really like.

A group of dads have gotten together at Florence Elementary School in north High Point (just over the Guilford County line from here) to help provide positive male role models for the kids and to give dads a way to pitch in beyond the PTA.

Today I talked to Gregg Schlaudecker, one of the founders of the group. He said the plan is modeled after a similar program at Morehead Elementary, which is also in the Guilford County school system.

Schlaudecker said the organization allows men to help the school using the skills that come with being a father. Members have done things like "lunch buddies," which pairs dads with students who need a positive role model. The group has also helped with the landscaping around the school, doing some of the "heavy lifting" end of beautification, he said. Others have gone into the classroom for career presentations.

It's all about making sure that dads are a visible and positive force in the school, Schlaudecker said. There are about 750 kids there, but the number of male employees could be counted on one hand, he said.

"It feels good getting guys involved at the school," he said.

The group started last year and has about 45 members. Schlaudecker said he's hoping to double that number this weekend - the group is holding a Dads' Club Breakfast Saturday in the school's cafeteria at 8:30 am for interested dads. Principal James McNeil is the keynote speaker. For information, send an e-mail to dadsclub@florencepta.org

Newly released: "For the Love of Rachel"

2007-10-03T16:14:00.000-04:00

Last week I had the pleasure of interviewing David Loewenstein, 47, a psychologist in Florida and author of the new book "For the Love of Rachel."

The book is about the birth of of Loewenstein's daughter, who was born prematurely weighing just 18 ounces, and how that frightful experience changed the life of Loewenstein and his family. Rachel spent the first nine months of her life in the NICU, and there were those who thought she would never make it. Once at home, there were others who doubted that Rachel would ever walk or talk. Now she is doing grade-level work in a traditional middle school.

Through it all, Loewenstein said that Rachel's birth and the adoption of Amy, her 6-year-old sister, has made him a better father than he otherwise might have been, as well as a better psychologist, and a better person overall.

Here's what the Miami Herald said of the book:

Loewenstein tells his moving story of finding love and creating a family -- as well as coming to terms with life's challenges. Loewenstein weaves medical heroics with straight-from-the-heart emotion, giving readers a rare glimpse into the private life of a doctor and his family's brush with the fragility of human life.

I have created some audio files of our interview, or you can listen to the whole interview, which is a little over 30 minutes long.

In this excerpt, Loewenstein talks about Rachel's birth at 23 weeks, and some of the medical problems that resulted from her prematurity. (Running time, 1 minute, 37 seconds)

Loewenstein talks about the emotional challenges of writing the book and some of the lessons he learned from the process. (2:22)

Loewenstein describes himself as a perfectionist who once wanted to have the perfect child. But he's learned that parenting is all about the love you have in your heart. (0:43)

Rachel has taught Loewenstein a different way of measuring success in his children. (2:25)

To hear the full interview, during which Loewenstein talks about his motivation for writing the book, shares stories about his daughters, and passes along what he's learned from his father, click here. (33:40)

To find out more about the book, go here.

PHOTO: David Loewenstein with newborn daughter Rachel and wife Susan. Photo provided by the author.

The road to the White House is paved with freshly changed diapers

2007-10-02T16:16:00.000-04:00

I wrote last week about the high number of new dads among the front-runners in the '08 presidential race. ABCnews.com is running a story on their front-page on the subject today. I'm quoted near the end. I though the reporter, Susan Donaldson James, had a nice take on the issue. She and I chatted for about 10 minutes yesterday.

Here is a link to the story.

Next White House resident may be an older dad

2007-09-26T13:18:00.000-04:00

I noted back in May that when Tony Blair handed over the title of British Prime Minister to Gordon Brown, it was a changing of the guard from one older dad to another.

Turns out that the older-dad trend for the rich and powerful isn't just a Brit phenomenon. Look at some of the front-runners among the '08 race for the presidency:

On the Republican side, 65-year-old Fred Thompson has an infant son, Samuel. Joining him are fellow front-runners John McCain (has post-40 children both biologically and through adoption) and Rudy Giuliani. (Apparently Giuliani hasn't done as well balancing politics and parenthood - it's been widely reported that his children, now grown, do not support his bid for the presidency.)

Among the Democratic hopefuls, John Edwards, 54, had two children after he turned 40 - daughter Emma Claire, 9, and son Jack, 7. Barak Obama (b. 1961) had his second daughter, Sasha, in 2001. I'm not sure if he had hit 40 yet or not, but close enough in my book.

Not everyone is enthusiastic about watching older candidates schlep around their young children on the campaign trail. Here's a take from a recent column by NYT columnist Gail Collins, written shortly after Thompson entered the race:

It's not unusual for wealthy men to decide they can dive into fatherhood and Social Security at the same time. This presidential field is awash with candidates of late-middle-age whose kids can still qualify for Breakfast with Santa. But none are quite so old or have children quite so young as Thompson's. And these days it's hard for an overage dad to get away with absentee fatherhood, especially when mom is intimately involved in the management of his campaign, as Jeri Thompson, seems to be... Maybe the combination of kids and campaigning has left him too ground down to glad hand. Too pooped to pander.

Yeesh, not exactly "Father Knows Best," is it?

Photo: Republican presidential hopeful Fred Thompson, center, is joined on stage by family members as he campaigns in his hometown of Lawrenceburg, Tenn., Saturday, Sept. 15, 2007. At left, Thompson's wife Jeri holds their son Samuel, and daughter Hayden Victoria, 3, is 3rd from left. (AP Photo/Mark Humphrey)

Whose broad stripes and bright stars, and screaming cartoons...

2007-09-18T13:47:00.000-04:00

It's Constitution Week, and my son Sean, who just turned 7, is always proud to have been born during the week that we celebrate one of the greatest works ever printed.

As part of that celebration, check out his recent version of the Star-Spangled Banner. It's sung in a number of different keys, an apparent but unspoken reference perhaps to Francis Scott Key, who wrote our national anthem.

» WATCH THE VIDEO

We're still working with him on the actual lyrics. Near as I can tell, this is the way he interpreted it:

Oh say can you see
By the dawn’s early light
What so proudly we hailed
By the twilight’s last gleaming

Whose stripes and bright stars
Through the perilous fight
Those cartoons that we watched
Were so powerfully screaming
And the red rocket’s ??? glare
And our flag was still there

Oh say does that Star - Spangled Banner make sense
Of the land of the free
And the home of the braves?

Is there a parent out there who can't relate to the screaming cartoon reference?

And for a great resource on Constitution Day, visit the National Constitution Center, made possible through the Annenberg Foundation and the Pew Charitable Trusts.

Are boomer parents living as recklessly as their teens?

2007-09-17T11:53:00.000-04:00

Interesting op-ed piece in today's New York Times adds some perspective on the risky behaviors of teens. It was written in response to recent articles in the media about research showing adolescent brains to be "immature," which sometimes leads to their risky or obnoxious behavior.

In the piece, Mike Males, a researcher and founder of Youthfacts.org, throws it back to boomer parents and their own control problems. Males writes about Americans 35 to 54, noting that more than 18,000 died in 2004 from drug overdoses (an increase of 550 percent since 1975), they (we) have a higher risk for fatal accidents and suicides than people in the 15 to 19 age group, and adding a host of other statistics showing boomers are frequent guests of prisons and emergency rooms.

Males notes: "What experts label 'adolescent risk taking' is really baby boomer risk taking. It's true that 30 years ago, the riskiest age group for violent death was 15 to 24. But those same boomers continue to suffer high rates of addiction and other ills throughout middle age, while later generations of teenagers are better behaved."

Comes with a great headline, too: This is your (father's) brain on drugs

If you want to see a version of the story that created the original hubub, check out ScienCentral News.

Study: It's good for women to pick older dads, to a point

2007-09-05T15:29:00.000-04:00

Interesting study from Vienna finds that women who choose men a few years older than they are likely to have more babies than those who choose partners of the same age, according to research published last month in the British online journal Biology Letters.

Researchers Martin Feider and Susanne Huber looked at a sample of about 10,000 births to Swedish parents. They found that most babies were born to women whose partners were about four years older than they were. For men, the most babies were born to dads whose partner was six years younger. The authors conclude that a man's preference for a younger mate and a woman's preference for an older one yields "fitness benefits for both men and women and thus may be an evolutionarily acquired trait." Golly, not the most romantic viewpoint, is it?

I have not read the full study ($30 to download? yeesh...) but in media interviews, the researchers opine that males may be attracted to younger females because they will have a longer time to be fertile, while women may be attracted to older men because they are more likely to have the resources to provide for their families.

The numbers don't hold up when one of the couple is significantly older than the other. At ten years difference, the number of children produced is the same as same-age couples.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm two years older than my wife, and we have two kids.

Three of the sweetest words in the English language

2007-08-27T14:05:00.000-04:00

Yeah, "I love you" is good to hear, but "Back to school" may be the best triple-word phrase ever coined.

It's been a long - so hot - summer, and back to school is not only a harbinger of cool times to come, but also a return to structure and whatever passes for normalcy around here. It's funny how many of the things I hated about school as a kid I now celebrate as a parent, foremost of which is the plain ol' predictable repetitiveness of it all.

Sean is going in to first grade and had a good summer. There were many valuable experiences along the way, but two really stand out in my mind.

The first was the West Side Civic Theatre's production of the Broadway play Seussical the musical. Sean was one of many kids who got to play a role as residents of Whoville. The late-night practices through his whole schedule off, but of course he didn't mind. He loved the music and the stories, and really enjoyed being part of the cast and learning how a play comes together. He's still singing the songs from the show.

The second thing that really made the summer memorable for him were two camps he took part in at the (relatively new) Children's Museum of Winston-Salem. He went to a one-week Harry Potter-themed camp and a geography camp. Both centered around stories and crafts, and he was excited about each day of camp. It's not unusual to hear him make a Harry Potter reference from camp or tell us about a story from South America or somewhere else far-flung from his world in Lewisville.

I've tried to tell Sean that he has had a very "storyful" summer. Hopefully it will be one he'll long remember. The kid in you hates to see it end. But the parent...

Photo: Sean (in red shirt) and other Whos during a rehearsal for the West Side Civic Theatre's production of Seussical, in June.

Inventive dads

2007-08-16T10:55:00.000-04:00

My friend Jim Toole sent me this link to a great NY Times story today. It's about how the trend of dads taking a more active role in their children's lives have led to new inventions and entrepreneurial opportunities for men, ideas nurtured by their child-raising experiences. As a guy who is still carrying around the wife's pink quilted Vera Bradley diaper bag, I say "Hallelujah."

The lede of the story is about Tommy Habeeb, a well-know actor, producer and a host of - how should we say - low-brow reality shows, as well as the inventor of the Water Bottle Nipple Adaptor. Habeeb, who has three kids including a 3-year-old son, is 49, according to Wikipedia. (That's my best bet, neither the story nor the biography on his web site list an age.)

Looking for manly dad stuff? The story lists a site called DadGear.com, with an eye toward the more rugged, masculine products aimed at dads. Good-bye, Vera Bradley.

On a way unrelated note, People Magazine reports that former Olympic figure skater Scott Hamilton, 48, and wife Tracie, 37, are expecting their second child in October.

New program for older students with developmental disabilities

2007-08-13T14:02:00.000-04:00

I've written often here about the fact that the joys of older parenting come with the risk of potential genetic conditions. Those risks include Down syndrome and autism. I wrote a story in today's paper about a new program where a group of eight students with developmental disabilities will be sharing an apartment with eight students from UNC-Greensboro. The idea is to help the developmentally delayed students learn to live independently, with the help from a group of their typically developing peers.

Here is a link to the story.

I will be following the students along during the course of the year, so I'll post updates here as they appear.

Journal Photo by: Jennifer Rotenizer: Rasheika McLean, 21, participates in a dating etiquette class on Wednesday at the Zeke House in Greensboro. The program pairs people who have developmental disabilities with students at UNC-Greensboro.

Can we help this daughter of an older dad?

2007-08-07T22:31:00.000-04:00

Today I got an anonymous response to a post I made in May, and since that post is kind of buried, I thought I would go ahead and make a new post out of it - here goes:

Is there a support group for children of older fathers? I'm the eldest child of a start-over-dad and have to make some tough decisions that none of my friends have made, and won't make until they are twice my age, and settled. I need some advice, on how I can take care of my aging father, without stopping my life. (I'm 27, single, and have recently started my career, and very fast feel as though I'm going to have four dependants.) I am also afraid that I don't have much time left with my father. Does anyone know where I can get some support?

You've raised an important topic here - caring for older parents when they get really older. I'm facing that now. My mother is 86, and has enjoyed remarkably good health until very recently, as her gait has become unsteady and she has shown some of the other signs of aging that she has been able to keep at bay until now. Of her five children I - the youngest - live the closest to her, so I'm often running her to the doctor, or taking her to her swimming class, or otherwise just helping her navigate the world. I don't consider it a burden, it's in a way an honor to repay for all the work she did in raising me. But it does take some balancing with two kids at home.

That said, I don't know of any sources specifically for people like us, whose parents are getting older just as we face our own milestones. I don't know where you live, but if it's local to us here in Forsyth County, NC, I can tell you from experience that Senior Services is amazingly helpful.

I hope you find the help you're looking for, and if you find any support groups please let us now and I will certainly post again.

Anyone else know of any groups or have any suggestions?

Life with a free-range baby

2007-07-30T16:06:00.001-04:00

Delaney is walking! It started out as kind of a cross between a walk and a belly dance - like something you'd see in a David Lee Roth video - as she learned to master the unforgiving forces of gravity. Now she is able to toddle pretty much anywhere she wants, inviting a whole new element of danger into the mix. Our house has gone from plain ol' babyproofed to full-scale Fortress Garber.

But we welcome her move to the ambulatory world. We get to watch her transition from baby to toddler, and those changes are coming quickly now. She's very curious about words, loves to feed herself when given the opportunity, and - for the first time - is regularly sleeping through the night.

I can remember when Sean was making that same move, things just seemed to get easier, and it was a whole lot easier putting ourselves into a toddler's world, to try to understand it as they see it and teach them from that perspective.

Photo: "No, wait, don't help me, I can do it myself..."

Skip Prosser

2007-07-27T15:04:00.000-04:00

As anyone who knows me knows, my ties to Wake Forest are deep and strong. So it was a sad day yesterday as rumors of Skip Prosser's passing were confirmed. He was a credit to the University, and not just because of what he did for the basketball team.

After I graduated from Wake in '86, I left my native Winston-Salem and travelled around quite a bit, but always within ACC Country. During those times, the basketball team was a constant source of pride for me. Win or lose, as long as I had the team to cheer for and follow, I had an ongoing connection to my alma mater. Today, there's nothing quite like watching my son don the black-and-gold tie-dye shirt to catch a game, or to watch little Delaney shake the plastic streamers that make up her Wake Forest pom-pom.

I started getting e-mails from my fellow Deacon fans soon after the rumors started flying yesterday, trying to ascertain what I knew, which at that point wasn't much. With confirmation came sadness. I've seen coaches come and go, and their departure always brings up the question about the future of the team. When a coach dies, though, it's different. It's more personal, even if, as with me, you don't know them beyond the games. You give pause, you mourn, you realize the team will be fine and there's a time to deal with that later.

I lost my father when he was about Skip's age, also to a heart attack. I thought about that a lot last night. How could I not?

We have lots of coverage on http://www.journalnow.com/

Photo by Journal photojournalist Bruce Chapman.

A must-read for those considering IVF/egg donation

2007-07-16T13:17:00.000-04:00

Peggy Orenstein has written a lengthy and very compelling story in The New York Times Magazine that ran Sunday about the growth of in-vitro fertilization using donated eggs. For the most part the growth has come from the gray end of the parental-age spectrum, and in fact the practice has helped extended that range. The story opens with an anecdote from a woman who, was in her mid-40s when she underwent the procedure in 1992. (Her 6th-grade daughter had asked her what year Mom and Dad had met their donor - now there's a lede that will grab you! Apparently the child has known since pre-school about the donor.)

Many stories about IVF/donation focus on the decision, not as much on what happens after baby arrives. This story looks into a lot of the issues of having a child from a donated egg, including whether or not to tell the child how they were conceived.

On the subject of older parents, here is a quote I found fascinating:

"The birthrate among women ages 40-44 has risen 62 percent since 1990, while the rate among those in their late 40s has more than doubled. Among those who used I.V.F. in 2004, about a third of the 43-year-olds used someone else’s eggs; by 47 years old, 91 percent did."

Orenstein is the author of the memoir “Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, a Romantic Night and One Woman’s Quest to Become a Mother.” In the article, she says she underwent an unsuccessful donor-egg IVF treatment before conceiving her daughter without the treatment.

Anyone have thoughts for this post?

2007-07-11T11:33:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I got a response to a post that is a few weeks old, so I figured I'd make a new posting so people could see it and respond if they wanted to do so. Here is what was written:

Chapina said...
This is the first time I "blog," so you'll have to pardon me if it is posted under the wrong section. I am trying to find help with an unexpected pregnancy. I am 35 years old and my husband is 55. He was blessed with two children in his prior marriage and they are now adults. We thought that this would not be part of our future. Frankly, I have been filled with the sense of panic coming from him. I know he wants me to have an abortion, but I just cannot reason this option when we love each other, we are in a financially stable situation, we are very healthy. Any thoughts?

Chapina, I not going to weigh in on whether or not you should keep your baby - that is a decision between you and your husband, and perhaps a marriage or family counselor or a member of your clergy can help you. Given that both of you are of advanced parental age, you may want to consider genetic counseling as well.

Your situation brings up a lot of issues that we routinely talk about here. It's not possible to glean from your post why your pregnancy fills your husband with such panic, but that is something that will be important for you to know. It could be that he feels he's close enough to retirement that he's looking forward to a life without the day-to-day issues of raising a young child. Or perhaps, looking at costs such as college, etc, that perhaps he doesn't feel as financially secure as you do. He may also be worried about getting older and not being able to be there for his child.

Another possibility - it's not that he doesn't want to have the child, but he's worried about potential risks that come from advanced paternal age, and he fears for the health of the baby.

I hope it works out well for y'all. Anyone else have suggestions?

Poll: Marry later, keep your day job

2007-07-03T15:32:00.000-04:00

A wealth of information is coming from a newly released PEW Research Center poll on the values and behaviors related to marriage and parenthood. Much of the press about this report has been focused on the finding that only 41 percent of respondents said that children were very important to a successful marriage - a surprising drop of more than 20 percent compared to 1990. (In fact, sharing of household chores was said to be very important by more of respondents - at 62 percent, a 15 percent increase since 1990.)

In scrolling through the findings, I found lots of interesting tidbits related to dads and older couples. Here are some that stand out:

* 51 percent said "it is a good thing for society that more people are
marrying for the first time at older ages." Only 4 percent said it was a bad thing.

* I've seen lots of blogs from stay-at-home dads (SAHDs), usually touting the benefits thereof. I would have thought that there was a growing acceptance of the practice. That's not what the researchers found. They found that 20 percent of women thought stay-at-home dads were a bad thing for society, the same number who said that 10 years ago. In fact, more men (23 percent) said it was a bad thing than women, a figure I found fascinating. (Almost 40 percent of women said more fathers staying at home so their wives could work full-time was a good thing, compared to only 32 percent of men who said that.)

* On the importance of both mom and dad, 69 percent tended to agree with the following statement: "If someone says a child needs a home with both a father and a mother to grow up happily, would you tend to agree or disagree?" But there was a pretty big difference among men and women on the question: 78 percent of men tended to agree, and 61 percent of women tended to agree. Looked at another way, more than a third of women tended to disagree that a child needs a home with both a father and a mother to grow up happily.

* What's the best age to get married? The answer differed when talking about brides vs. grooms. Only 14 percent said 30-or-over was the ideal age for a woman to marry, while 27 percent said a man should be 30 or older. In fact, more women (30 percent) said a man should be 30 or older than men (24 percent).

* Opposition by women to gay couples raising children has declined in the last decade, dropping from a majority of women opposed (56 percent) in 1997 to 42 percent in the current poll. (I don't have any stats to back this up, but I'm willing to bet that gay couples who adopt or otherwise have children tend to be older than their male-female counterparts.) More men in the recent poll said they opposed gays raisng children (59 percent), but the researchers did not provide previous results for men as the did for women.

Kick back and do a little reading

2007-06-19T14:54:00.000-04:00

Another Father's Day come and gone - and with it goes the one time of the year where you can count on an abundance of coverage about fatherhood issues. There were lots of good stories in our pages and elsewhere. I wanted to point out some interesting reads for older parents, the best of what I could find from the Father's Day coverage. I should point out that I thought the overall coverage was good, with a little bit less of the cliched caricature of dads as the bumbling, emotionless, clueless shadow in the lives of their children.

Here are some stories that I recommend related to older parenting:

The Washington Post ran a feature by Philip Lerman, 51, whose son, Max, 5, is "on the spectrum" for autism, and how he is dealing with that. It's beautiful. Read it. Quoting:

"As I confronted the possibility that Max was On The Spectrum, the strangest thought occurred to me: If he is, then so be it.
I adored this boy whose main utterance sounded something like 'Joe Biden Go Baaden-Baaden,' this child who called everything "baw." Whatever he was, I would love him no less."

Lerman is the author of the recently released book "Dadditude: How a Real Man Became a Real Dad."

The Houston Chronicle's Claudia Feldman wrote about "A new age in fatherhood," with a subhead that reads: "Ready to teach and to learn, men in their 50s are reaping the rewards of having children and say it's worth the risks." Includes a bit of discussion about the "mortality issue," i.e. of knowing you'll be getting elderly just as your kids hit their prime.

And finally, Slate, the online magazine, wrote a story about fatherhood's effects on a man's body and brain under the headline :"Stretch Marks for Dads." Read the story and you'll find out that "evidence is accumulating that pregnancy and parenthood leave their marks on men's bodies. Women are not the only ones who are built for parenting, and recognizing that is good for fathers and the rest of us, too."

Let me know if you've seen a good story that we should add to this list.

Happy Father's Day, y'all

2007-06-14T16:00:00.000-04:00

I hope y'all will check out this really nice slide-show we're running, consisting of 36 testimonials from readers about thier dads. Very good stuff here.

My first post when I started this blog was of a Father's Day column I worte a few years ago, which I am reposting for the occasion.

Enjoy the new ties, the cookouts, the ball games, or whatever makes the day special for you. I'm getting new tackle, and taking my son on his first fishing outing.

THE FATHER IN MY HEART
PAT GARBER

A few weeks ago, I found a picture of my Dad that I had never seen.
It has quickly earned a special place in my heart.
I don't value it for the quality of the photograph. It's far too overexposed for that. There's so much light coming into the camera lens that most of the details have been completely washed out. My father's face is almost completely lost in a bright flash of white that almost overtakes the whole frame.
But there's enough detail to show that he has his arms wrapped around me and my brother Scott as we stare, blank-faced, into the camera, as we pose by a tree.
The picture was taken near the home where we lived, on the corner of West End Boulevard and Jarvis Street, in August 1964. I was 14 months old, my brother was 2, and my father was 46.
Eight years after that grainy black-and-white photo was taken, my father died.
I have few photographs of my Dad. I like this one the best because it's the only one that I know of that shows the loving bond between him and me.
I know that bond was there, nurtured over countless trips to Tanglewood and the Nature Science Center that was once in Reynolda Village. My Dad, my brother and I did many things together, and I considered him my best friend.
If we had known he would be gone when I was just 9, I'm sure more pictures would have been taken. As it was, Dad was our family's photographer. He's in precious few of the family photographs that fill several freezer bags at my mother's house.
He was usually behind the lens, preferring to snap the picture instead of appearing in it. I still have the camera, part of the Kodak Retina Series of cameras, that he used in the last years of his life.
I'll be darned if I know how to use it. But I often wonder, as I look through its viewfinder, if we compose the world in the same way - as if I could look into this vastly changed world and somehow figure out some kind of universal truth that the two of us could see together that could be captured forever on film.
I'll never really know.
It's part of the mystery of losing a parent at such a young age.
Just as you could look at the picture and wonder about the ghostlike features that the sun erased 40 years ago, I can trace my life through time and wonder how things would have been different had my father been there for me beyond the nine years we spent together.
But I'll never really know.
I am a father, too. My son, Sean, is 3. Already, the pictures I have of the two of us could fill a freezer bag.

Don't be afraid to cuddle them newborns! Study finds babies soothed just as much by dads

2007-06-12T12:51:00.000-04:00

It was a fluke of our daughter's birth that I got to hold our little newborn earlier and longer than my wife did - blame it on the pre-eclampsia and the prematurity. Those first encounters with the baby were somewhat intimidating, with her hooked up to all those tubes and wires. But despite the difficulties she had to go through to get into this world, I thought she was a remarkably calm baby to hold and was easily comforted. Desiree didn't get to hold the baby until the next day, so I was hoping that somehow a parental bond was being formed until she could recover enough to get to the NICU.

Turns out, I may have been helping more than I thought. A new study out of Sweden sheds some light of the importance of the father's touch when the mother is not around. (Full disclosure - the study focused on skin-to-skin contact. In my case, I was wearing a shirt. It's not like I was gonna go traipsing around the NICU like Tarzan when I held my baby.)

Anyway, back to the study. The authors studied 29 babies born by C-sections. The babies spent a brief amount of time with their mothers, then the next two hours with their dads. 14 of the fathers were asked to care for their babies on their chest, skin-to-skin. The others comforted their babies as they lay on a cot next to them.

The researchers found that the babies who were held by their dads cried less, settled down for naps earlier and were better prepared to breastfeed when their mothers returned than the babies placed in the cots were.

You can read more about the study on WebMD and Science Daily.

BabyQuest on MSNBC

2007-06-11T14:11:00.000-04:00

There's a decent discussion about when is the best time to have a baby on msnbc.com as part of a special online series they're calling BabyQuest: The modern pursuit of parenthood. (A new story every week until July 5, on subjects such as "Will science render men unnecessary?" )

Here's a few excerpts from the exchange:

My wife and I met later in life and by the time we were ready to have children we ran into difficulties. After three failed IUIs and two failed IVFs we decided to adopt. We adopted our son from Russia two years ago and couldn't be happier.
— Jeff, Frisco, Texas

I had my first child three weeks shy of my 22nd birthday, and my son 16 1/2 months later. Sure, I was young, but it was the best decision I have ever made. I am thankful that by the time my kids graduate from high school, I will still be young (early 40s) and be able to travel and have fun. I would much rather have all the hard work behind me and be able to look forward to the days ahead with my husband.
— Catherine, South Lake Tahoe, Calif.

Also of note to dads, the site has a story today on the concept of women being "Momblocked." The idea is that confident stay-at-home dads are somewhat marginalizing their working-mother partners. I don't buy it, and even the story hedges a bit, noting that"it's still the norm for moms to act as the gatekeepers to fathers' involvement with their kids." But I could see where it could happen.

Would you take a fertility test if you could do it at home?

2007-06-04T00:16:00.000-04:00

In news that may affect many older couples, the British company Fertell has announced a his-and-hers fertility test that lets users check for problems without having to go to a doctor's office. Much of Fertell's marketing is directed toward older couples - it's no accident that the testimonial on the front page of their Web site is from a couple, Emily and Nick, have the respective ages of 36 and 40. References to advancing parental age can be found through much of the product's site, understandable, I suppose, given that fertility declines with age.

To take the test, men have to produce a semen sample. Here's an explanation about how the test works from a press release from the company's site: "All the man has to do is produce a sample, push a button and twist a switch and he will be able to assess that he has enough sperm that can swim to fertilise an egg. He will get the results in about one hour. Fifty per cent of all cases of infertility are due to male factors and this test can indicate early on if there is potentially a problem with the man that indicates the couple should seek advice. This is particularly important given that many couples are choosing to defer childbearing until later in life.”

The female tests for Follicle Stimulating Hormone, better known as FSH. The male part tests sperm motility. Fertell has been approved by the Food and Drug Administration for purchase without a prescription. Fertell's US web site lists a price of $99.99 for the couples test.

The company explains how the male test works here.

For me, I don't think taking the test at home would have much of an advantage over going to a doctor's office. I think I would just want answers, and wherever I thought I could get them, that's where I'd go.

Memorial Day remembrances

2007-05-29T16:00:00.000-04:00

I've often said here that one of the biggest problems with being an older parents is that your kids have grandparents that are much older. That goes double when you're a second-generation older-parent kid - I never met either of my grandfathers, and my kids will never meet my father, not on this Earth anyway.

There are some exceptions to that idea however. One of them came in to play over the Memorial Day weekend. I asked my son to ask my mother what it was like for her during World War II, when she was a newlywed and young mother. What a gift it was for him to hear first-hand stories about such things as waiting to hear from her brother, a pilot who flew missions in Germany but who also had a natural tendency toward reticence. (In fact, my uncle took part in bombing missions of the Ploesti oil fields in Romania, but he was reluctant to talk about it.) It was a chance for him to learn how the war affected people on a family level, even those who didn't fight it.

We also went to a Memorial Day celebration in our town of Lewisville, where a WWII vet raised the flag on a new monument honoring POWs and MIAs.

photo: Sean (in yellow shirt) salutes during the playing of taps during the Lewisville Memorial Day ceremony.

More older parents in the news

2007-05-23T11:39:00.000-04:00

This time, we've got an Associated Press story on a 60-year-old New Jersey woman who delivered twins, apparently the oldest woman in America to do so. She and her husband have been married 38 years. Hard to imagine still changing diapers during your 40th wedding anniversary. Des and I haven't even reached our 10th yet.

The mother of the twins is reported to have said that she didn't want her 6-year-old to be an only child. It's a poorly held family secret that my brother, Scott - a year older than me - was an accident for my parents, who were by then hitting 40 and already had three older kids. I was planned for the same reason that this mother said - so that Scott would not be an only child. As it turned out, we were not very close as children, although I idolized him, listened to all the music he listened to and wanted to do everything he did. Some of those things carried over to adulthood - he was the first to tell me about ACC basketball, which I have followed rabidly ever since. (although I switched from being a Tar Heel fan to Wake Forest when I went to college.) We got much closer as we got older - he even officially married my wife and me, while he was a magistrate. Now I can see what our parents had in mind - he's a great friend to have around and understands better where I came from than anyone else.

Father Figures

2007-05-22T11:47:00.000-04:00

The folks from the U.S. Census Bureau have released some interesting statistics in advance of Father's Day. Here are some of those stats with links to more info:

How Many Fathers?
26.5 million - the number of fathers who are part of married-couple families with children younger than 18 in 2006.
Among these —
● 22 percent are raising three or more children younger than 18 (among
married-couple family households only).
● 2 percent live in someone else’s home.
<http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/families_households/009842.html>

Single dads
2.5 million - The number of single fathers in 2006, up from 400,000 in 1970. Currently, among single parents living with their children, 19 percent are men.
Among these fathers —
● 8 percent are raising three or more children younger than 18.
● About 40 percent each are divorced or never married, 16 percent are
separated
and 4 percent are widowed. (There is no significant difference
between the percentages of single fathers who are divorced and never
married.)
● 14 percent live in someone else’s home.
● 27 percent have an annual family income of $50,000 or more.
<http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/families_households/009842.html>

Kind Words from Dad
63% - Percentage of children younger than 6 living with married parents who were praised three or more times a day by their fathers. The corresponding number for children living with unmarried fathers was 57 percent.
<http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/children/009412.html>

Mr. Mom
159,000 - Estimated number of stay-at-home dads in 2006. These married fathers with children younger than 15 have remained out of the labor force for more than one year primarily so they can care for the family while their wives work outside the home. These fathers cared for 283,000 children. Among these stay-at-home dads:
• 60 percent had two or more children.
• 40 percent had an annual family income of $50,000 or more.
• 35 percent had children younger than 3 living with them.
<http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/families_households/009842.html>

A trend that would work for men, too?

2007-05-15T18:09:00.000-04:00

On our Web site, Journalnow.com, we're running a story about women who are postponing children freezing their eggs in the hopes of diminishing the risks of advanced maternal age. It's a well-researched story that considers some of the bio-ethics involved in the decision to freeze eggs.

I found it interesting that no mention was made of men and their own particular risks. I assume once most of these women are ready to have babies, they will likely be with partners of similar ages. Perhaps we should look to see if a similar trend would work for men.

Here's the opening paragraph:

WASHINGTON - As the number of women delaying motherhood continues to rise, many fertility clinics are starting to offer a new service that allows them to freeze some of their eggs to buy more time on their biological clocks.

then there's the downside:

"Currently available evidence does not validate the assumption that if you freeze your eggs now, your chances of a successful pregnancy will be better than your chances using your own fresh eggs at that point," said Marc Fritz, a University of North Carolina reproductive endocrinologist. He spoke on behalf of ASRM, which recommends limiting egg-freezing to cancer patients and research studies.

Fritz and others experts worry that egg-freezing might lull women into assuming it will make it easy to have children in their 40s. A woman's chances of conceiving are still much better in her 20s and 30s.

I'll try to free up some time next week to see what I can find about options for men. If you have suggestions, feel free to post.

It's not OUR day, but...

2007-05-11T15:51:00.000-04:00

Mother's Day is almost here. It's been said that the best thing a father can do for their children is to love their mother, so here's your chance to show it. There's a nice essay on the topic at Fathers.com, the Web site of the National Center for Fathering, which you can read here.

I can add that Mother's Day becomes more precious to me each year that my mother gets older. And if you've got ideas for Mother's Day, feel free to pass them along. Non-store-bought ideas are particularly appreciated.

--> On an unrelated note, joining the club this week is Oscar-winner Kevin Costner, 52, with the birth of a son, Cayden. Cayden is Costner's fifth child and the first with wife of three years, Christine Baumgartner, 33.

What do Tony Blair and Gordon Brown have in common?

2007-05-10T16:04:00.000-04:00

British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced today that he will step down next month. Speculation is high that his successor will be Gordon Brown, currently the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Reportedly, the men have their political differences, but they do have one thing in common - they're both older dads. Check it out:

Blair (b.1953) had a son, Leo, in 2000, the first time in many-a-year that a British prime minister had a child while in office.

Brown (b.1951) married for the first time in 2000. He and his wife, Sarah, had their first child, a daughter, the next year. She was born prematurely and died a short time later. They had a healthy son, John, in 2003, and another son, Fraser, last year. Fraser has been diagnosed with cystic fibrosis.

Surely there's a better catch-phrase than SODs.

2007-05-06T21:39:00.000-04:00

Our paper ran the New York Times story that I noted last month about much-older dads. If you missed it, you can read it here. Most of the story focuses on dads 60 and older - but many of them face the same issues fathers years younger do. I should point out, as I noted back in September, that the oldest group is not growing as most of the categories of older dads are. According to the CDC, in the last 20+ years the paternal birth rate increased for almost all age categories 30 and over. The only category where there wasn't an increase was men 55 and older, which stated the same: 0.3 births per 1,000 men.

Now, can we put our heads together and come up with a better phrase than SODs? It's short for start-over dads, but it makes me think of grass plugs. I usually refer to "Fathers after 40" as older dads. But even someone who has kids in his 20s will be an older dad someday - he may not be having new kids, but he's still a dad. There's got to be a better way of putting it.

Graphic: Lovin' the illustration by Journal artist Nick Weir.

Chapter IV - Our First Year

2007-05-03T14:51:00.000-04:00

My father was born in 1918, my mother in 1921. They married during World War II before my father went off for training. They had my three oldest siblings between 1943 and 1948, then my brother and me in 1962 and '63, when both my parents were in their 40s.

I spent most of my 20s trying to figure out a career and most of my 30s trying to establish myself in one. I didn't marry until I was 34, and had my first child three years later. By that time, my father had died (in 1972) and my mother was almost 80.

I introduced my mother to her granddaughter, Delaney Sage, through the protective glass door of the NICU. By this time, my mother had been a great-grandmother for more than 10 years. But here she was, looking down into the eyes of what had become a legacy of late-life births. Young and old, separated by a span of 85 years.

Our first year with our daughter has been a blessing. She's grown into a sweet, curious giggly little girl who is a joy to be with. Because she was a premie, and because we're older, and because we're just naturally a little paranoid, we've been watching her development very closely, and she's hitting all her milestones about as we expected her to. My mother says that having grandchildren around has given a spark to these last few years. I wish my father could have seen them, but that's one of the downsides of having kids late.

That's the story of how I became an older dad. Feel free to share your story.

Photo: MommyG gives Delaney Sage a kiss at her 1-year birthday party.

Chapter III - My Daughter

2007-05-02T16:43:00.000-04:00

My wife had a C-section on the morning of April 18.
Even that did not go out without a hitch.
Delaney had a defect in the way her umbilical cord connected to her placenta, known as Velamentous insertion. It is a relatively rare but potentially lethal defect in which the blood vessels could have ruptured and our baby could have bled to death. Fortunately our doctor noticed it right away, and our baby was born without any further complications. Although she was a month early, we expected her to weigh more than five pounds. Instead, she weighed only about 4 and a half. We were able to see her in the delivery room only briefly before she was whisked away to the NICU.

She seemed okay, but of course we worried. We sat in a recovery room while they worked on her one floor below us - I can remember sitting there watching Erik Estrada pitching real estate in Arkansas on TV, waiting anxiously for them to tell me I could visit our baby. When the moment finally came, I rushed to the NICU and knocked on the window. When the nurse looked up, I showed her my maternity ward security bracelet and said "My daughter's in there." We knew for months that we were having a baby girl, but we had always referred to her as "the baby" or the "little sister" or by one of the names we were thinking of calling her. This was the first time I had ever referred to her as my daughter, and it made me feel like a dad again. Not just an expectant father, but a dad.

She looked small and was having trouble breathing, but was otherwise healthy. Flanked by preemies much smaller than she was, she didn't even look that tiny. We weren't out of the woods, but finally there was some reason for optimism.

For Desiree, the ultimate moment came when our children touched for the first time.

"I came out of the operating room with a big belly and no baby," she says. "We tried to explain to Sean what had happened, but it was hard for him to understand. He kept asking 'When is my sister going to be born?' After four days Delaney was taken off of oxygen and we could take her to the NICU window so that Sean could see her. He could not touch her, but at least he knew he did have a baby sister.

After two weeks Delaney was released to go home. As the NICU door closed behind me, I went to my knees and gently placed the car seat that was holding our tiny baby on the floor. Sean was by his sister's side, introducing himself as 'big brother' and stroking her cheeks as gently as a fluttering butterfly. And yes, it was worth it many times over. Our family was complete."

Tomorrow: Our First Year

Photo: Delaney was shrouded in blue light during the first few days of her stay in the NICU.

Chapter II - Joy interrupted

2007-05-02T10:56:00.000-04:00

It didn't take long for our joy of having our prayers answered turn to concern about the pregnancy and the health of our little child, including a miscarriage scare early on that sent us, in tears, to the emergency room.

It turned out that scare wouldn't be our last. On Dec. 14, 2005, we got the word that one of the screening tests had come back abnormal. This news would scare any potential parent, but as older parents we were even more worried, knowing the risks of Down Syndrome and other associated risks. My wife tried to reassure me. She said even tests that come back abnormal often turn out to be nothing. We went to have an ultrasound performed immediately upon hearing the news, and an amniocentesis was scheduled. It was a lonely, long time sitting in the room waiting for the ultrasound to begin, but we were still hoping that the odds were in our favor, and that perhaps the risks that our child had a major genetic problem was still no greater than 1 in 45, based on our ages. To a trained eye, the ultrasound reveals a lot about a growing baby. To me, it looked like a really bad shadow-puppet show on a TV with poor reception. Our doctor told us the ultrasound was normal, as we had hoped, but it turned out to be little comfort. My wife asked what were the risks of a chromosomal anomaly based on the abnormal screening results we had just received. The answer stunned us - the odds that our baby had a major genetic anomaly were better than 1 in 5 based on the screening, and we wouldn't know the answer until we got the results from a FISH (fluorescent in-situ hybridization) analysis, which would be hours away. I went back to work and held it all in - I was too scared to mention anything to anyone (in fact, it would be days later before I would tell any of my friends about it.) At home, we tried to have as normal a night as we could with our son Sean, knowing we would soon get a call that would in many ways shape the next several years of our lives.

The call came in around 8 p.m. The FISH results were normal. The joy returned.

Even that wouldn't be the last struggle of the pregnancy. My wife was sick throughout the entire eight months. The doctor sent her to the hospital once to have her examined for pre-eclampsia because her blood pressure was soaring. If she went from pre-eclampsia to full-blown eclampsia, both her life and the baby's could be at risk. We didn't know if she would have to stay overnight. She checked out fine and was sent home. Two weeks later, her doctor examined her again, and again decided to send her to the hospital for pre-eclampsia. Des asked when she would be able to go home. The answer: she would be in the hospital until the baby was born. Our baby wasn't due to be delivered until late May. But my wife's protein levels, which should have been in the low hundreds, were now soaring into the thousands, and her condition was becoming more dangerous with every increase. Our doctored scheduled to deliver her on April 18th. We still didn't know if the many complications throughout the pregnancy would have any effect on our baby, but after all we had been through, we just wanted to be able to look at her face and see a healthy child.

Tomorrow: Chapter III - My Daughter

Chapter 1 - The decision to have another child

2007-05-01T14:23:00.000-04:00

If everything had gone as planned, I wouldn't even be a "Father after 40." My wife Desiree and I started talking about having another child not long after my son Sean was born in 2000. We probably had an intellectual understanding how difficult that could turn out to be, but we weren't emotionally prepared. By this time we were both in our late 30s, and our collective biological clock was winding down. Des works in genetics, so we were all too aware of some of the increased risks that advanced parental age brings.

But the desire to have another child was so strong in both of us that we decided to keep trying despite a string of pregnancy tests lining our trashcan showing only one blue line.

"Sean was my motivation," Desiree says. "I am an only child, and I never wanted Sean to be an only child." Sean had also asked for a sibling. My wife likes to tell the story of him watching Dragon Tales and turning to her and saying "Mom, Cassie has 72 brothers and sisters. Why can't I have just one?"

It seems like a simple question, but it led to hours of heartbreak. We wanted it to happen, so did Sean, but it just wasn't happening. Time seemed to have caught up with us. By the spring of 2005, we were near the end of trying. It had already taken an unspoken toll on me and my wife, physically and emotionally. Could we try again? We took a new tack. We had spent a lot of time talking about the clinical aspects of trying to get pregnant - the best times, the cycles, all the things we could do to maximize the possibility. This time I set all that aside in my mind and just pray for it. Pray often and pray hard. It's easy to get distracted by all the fertility numbers - when having a baby becomes a problem to solve, instead of what a baby truly is, a miracle to be celebrated. Forget for a moment all the numbers and the expert advice - God knew what was in our hearts and could make it happen if He wanted.

The next pregnancy test was positive.

"We waited until my first ultrasound to tell Sean about the pregnancy," Desiree says. "When he came into that dimly lit room, I pointed to the blinking dot on the monitor and said 'That's your baby brother or sister's heart beating.' Yes, I had a baby in my tummy. The expression on his face lit up that dark room!"

Tomorrow - Joy interrupted.

A new chapter every day for a week

2007-04-30T14:44:00.000-04:00

This week, May 1 specifically, marks one year since we took our daughter out of the NICU and brought her home for good. In honor of that anniversay, I am going to do something a little different this week. Each day, I'll post another chapter in the story of the Delaney's new life, if I may borrow a page from my favorite new-literature site, www.fivechapters.com . I'll share the stories of our decision to add to the family, her stay in the NICU, as well as the time my son, Sean, touched her face for the first time. I've been wanting to write about these things for a long time, but I generally don't like long posts, so this is a way I can break it up in a way that I hope will make it easier to read.

The story begins Tuesday.

Was father's age a factor in Va. Tech shootings?

2007-04-25T10:11:00.000-04:00

I've struggled this week about just how to write this. Several news outlets have reported that the father of Virginia Tech gunman Cho Seung-Hui is 61. The shooter was 23, which would mean the father was in his late 30s when his son was born. Not old by the standards around here, but it does bring home the seriousness of what the decision to delay childbearing can mean. It's unclear to me what exactly Cho was diagnosed with in the past, but two things I have seen have been schizophrenia and autism.

The link between advanced paternal age and schizophrenia has been recognized for a long time now. And just what is advanced paternal age in this case? Late last year, a French researcher concluded that while "no threshold can be precisely defined," there did seem to be a difference in risks for those younger than 35 and those older than 35. There also studies that show an association between both maternal and paternal age in autism. In fathers, there may be an increased risk with each advanced decade of the father's age. Without knowing anything more than the father's age and the son's reported behaviors and ultimate violent act, it's impossible to say here if the father's age had any effect whatsoever. But I think we can conclude it was one, and only ONE, of the potential risk factors involved in this tragic case.

That said, it's important to note that Cho's actions could not be explained away by either a diagnosis of schizophrenia or autism. Obviously, most people with those disorders never do anything like he did. I don't think we'll ever know what got in him to do what he did. To say "he did this because he was autistic" - or whatever - does more to stigmatize those with disorders than it does to satisfy the need to explain why it happened.

It also doesn't mean that older dads are destined to have violent, angry kids. As I've stated many times before, the vast majority of our kids will turn out to be just as quote-unquote normal as our younger-parenting counterparts, though there are some increased risks. Those risks are real and should be taken seriously when making family-planning decisions.

Thanks to concerned heart for posts about the research on advanced paternal age.

Better to have boys? Study found female children of older dads don't live as long

2007-04-24T15:57:00.000-04:00

I'm reposting information about a study (lead author is Leonid Gavrliov, a longevity researcher) that was recently added to a post I made in March. According to the authors of the study, published in 2000, adult daughters born to older fathers (ages 45-55) lived shorter lives, and that each additional year of paternal age the daughters lost about half a year of life on average. Interestingly, sons of older dads did not have a similar decrease.

Lots of interesting demographics here about older parents in general. The study can be found at
http://longevity-science.org/Parental_Age_2000.pdf

Thank you to Dr. Gavrilov for bringing this to my attention.

What do you say to a child at times like this?

2007-04-20T16:16:00.000-04:00

I was watching some video the other day that I shot for my son's first birthday party. The 9/11 attacks had occurred about a week earlier. The video shows everyone having birthday fun, but the mood is quite obviously subdued. I was glad he was too young for me to have to explain what had happened and how the attacks had emotionally wounded everyone around him.

I didn't have to explain much about the terrorist attacks to him in those early years, but a few years later I read him "The Man Who Walked Between the Towers," the wonderful Caldecott-Medal-winning book by Mordicai Gerstein. There's a line in his book near the end that reads simply, "Now the towers are gone." That line probably prompts every young child to ask "Why?" just as mine did. It was easier to explain three years removed from what happened, but still difficult to put into words why someone would attack us. The book was a peaceful way of bringing up a topic that I knew someday he would have to know about.

I wish that had been the only act of large-scale violence I had to explain, but then there was the massacre at Va. Tech. Ironically, it happened about a week before my daughter's first birthday. What a sad coincidence. As with my son in 2001, I can put off for a few years having to explain that to her, but what of my son? How do you explain the senseless? When you can't answer "Why?" for yourself, how can you answer it for a child?

nice multimedia for dads

2007-04-20T15:00:00.000-04:00

The Washington Post has gotten a lot of attention for its OnBeing series, which simply lets various everyday people tell their own stories in their own words on video. Today's story is worth hearing - it features Jeffrey Barehand, a stay-at-home dad with a baby at home. Here's the link, check it out.

Week of the young child in Winston-Salem

2007-04-18T13:29:00.000-04:00

Passing along this press release just fyi if you live around here:

Smart Start Celebrates Week of the Young Child

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—Smart Start of Forsyth County celebrates Week of the Young Child (April 22nd-28th) to thank educators and others involved in building better futures for all young children.

The Week of the Young Child is an annual celebration sponsored by the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) to focus public attention on the needs of young children. Smart Start of Forsyth County will be celebrating the Week of the Young Child with a variety of activities:

On Tuesday, April 24th Smart Start staff will serve lunch to two child care centers, Clemmons Moravian and the Creative Learning Center, for their winning essays in a contest sponsored by Smart Start.

On Thursday, April 26th Smart Start and A Child’s World Learning Center will host the 2nd annual Kids March for Quality Care in downtown Winston-Salem. Parents, childcare providers, and advocates for children are invited to participate in the march which will begin and end at Corpening Plaza. The event will begin at 11:00 a.m. All participants are invited to stay after the march and enjoy a brown bag lunch in the plaza; beverages will be provided.

On Sunday, April 29th Smart Start will officially end its 2007 book drive. The purpose of the drive is to collect 1000 new or gently used children’s books to encourage reading before kindergarten. Barnes & Noble in Winston-Salem will hold a benefit week from April 21st through April 29th. Customers who present a voucher with their purchase items will have up to 20% of their purchase total donated to Smart Start’s book drive. Vouchers can be found online at www.smartstart-fc.org , at the Smart Start office, or at Barnes & Noble. Books are needed in both English and Spanish.

For more information about Week of the Young Child, contact Natasha Gore at Smart Start of Forsyth County at 714-4344, or natashag@smartstart-fc.org.

A few words on Virginia Tech

2007-04-17T16:33:00.000-04:00

I don't know what I could possibly add to what has been said about the tragedy at Virginia Tech. I was fortunate yesterday to talk to some students who, mercifully, were not involved in the shootings but like everyone else could not help being caught up in what was happening. Of course, this was a big story for us, and I wanted to do what I could to help our coverage. Over the course of my career, I've talked to many victims of crime and their families. I know there's a stereotype out there that journalists expect victims to talk and will work aggressively to make sure they do. In fact, asking questions of those who have been through tragedy is one of the most difficult and heart-wrenching things we do. What keeps many of us going, myself included, is knowing that at times like this there are people out there who really want to talk about it, who have a perspective that they want to share with others. They want their voices to be part of a collective understanding of what happened. You can hear some of those voices through our ongoing coverage at www.journalnow.com.

Anyone with thoughts on the shootings can feel free to post.

It's hard to imagine what it's like to have a child at the university right now. Virginia Tech has set up a hotline for parents and family, it is 1-800-533-1144.

I also have some Wake Forest readers out there. FYI, the school has posted a letter from Dr. Hatch, a parents Q&A, and a crisis plan review on the school's parents' page.

NY Times on 60-and-over dads

2007-04-12T14:45:00.000-04:00

Under the headline "He’s Not My Grandpa. He’s My Dad" the New York Times today wrote about older dads, or as they refer to them, SODs - start-over dads. The story examines family life for dads 60 and older, and includes a list of "SODs" such as Paul McCartney, Rod Stewart and Kenny Rogers. Most of the story focuses, however, on the psychological ups and downs for families with an older dad in the picture It's a very good read and I highly recommend it.

By the way, I'm not likely to adopt the "SOD" shorthand. Plenty of us are not starting over, just starting out. Anyone got a better catchphrase for older dads?

Thoreau & son: Roughing it, suburban style

2007-04-11T10:49:00.000-04:00

My son and I have anxiously awaited the right time for his first overnight camping experience, and the arrival of spring weather gave us a chance to do that last week. Armed with a Harry Potter lantern and a good book ("The BFG" by Roald Dahl) we ventured into the wilderness. Not that far into the wilderness, actually, we set up camp in the backyard in a tent my mother gave him three years ago to play in.

I had a great time teaching him how to set up a tent, and he was very helpful hammering in the stakes. We packed the tent with sleeping bags, some drinking water, a flashlight and some extra pillows. By the time we started settling in, the sun had already started fading. There was a fantastic full moon that spread its light through the tent screens, and Sean loved looking up and seeing stars instead of a bedroom ceiling. After several pages of reading about the big friendly giant, Sean drifted off to sleep.

He woke up around 3:30 a.m. and asked for something I hadn't thought of packing - tissues. I knew he wasn't about to leave the tent for the darkened wilderness, so first I offered him a sleeve of my shirt, but sensing the flow of mucus could be more than I'd anticipated, I suggested - helpfully, I thought - that he blow his nose in the corner of the tent, and we'd clean it up in the morning. But his Momma taught him better than that, so I made the "camper's walk of shame" back into our house, and got the tissues and some extra blankets, and his mommy made sure I took Sean his stuffed bunny with me on the return trip to the tent.

A few hours later, I woke up with the surround-sound symphony of the neighborhood songbirds. It was a stunning and wonderful sound, almost humbling in a way. I heard Sean start to rustle too, and I hoped he offer a trenchant analysis of the outdoor dawn. Instead, he woke up and said "Am I having a heart attack?" (For the record, he wasn't - he was just a little congested.) We didn't spend much time roughing it after that. Once he came around, it was time to trade the fresh open air for morning cartoons.

PHOTO: MommyG prepares to do a walk-through to ensure that our rugged outdoor abode is retrofitted for maximum coziness.

A Passover lesson for parents with young children

2007-04-09T14:10:00.000-04:00

As the Passover season comes to an end, I wanted to share a great bit of advice I heard from a community seder I covered in 2004. It was held at Wake Forest University and led by Professor Andrew Ettin. Ettin is a gifted speaker with a rich, sonorous voice that I got to know as a freshman in his English class. The idea behind the community seder was two-fold - to give Jewish people away from home a chance to partake in the traditional holiday meal for Passover, as well as to give non-Jews like me a chance to experience Jewish culture.

Ettin spent much of the seder leading the group of about 30 people through a Haggadah, a liturgy about Passover filled with songs and stories. But what I remember most about the evening was some ad hoc comments he made about the importance of education. He urged those with young children to answer any questions their children put forth to them, no matter how tiresome those questions may become. By doing so, parents would help ensure that they would raise inquisitive children with a love for learning.

His remarks came at a fortuitous time in my life as a parent. My son was about three and a half, speaking in full sentences and wanting know about everything big and small. Like most parents, my wife and I were getting bombarded with questions that never seemed to end. I shared Ettin's advice with my wife, and we made a concerted effort to do our best at answering every question instead of dismissing them, as we would have liked to have done, with a "You know, Daddy is really busy now..." And, sure, it got tedious, and most answers were followed with another question, often a simple "How come?" But I think it really paid off. Sean has a wonderfully curious mind and it's a pleasure to be able to educate him through a kind of parent-child reverse Socratic method.

He still asks a lot of questions, but I'm guessing he's about to age out of it somewhat. Of course, that's just in time for the little one to start asking.

PHOTO: Andrew Ettin speaks during the community seder at Wake Forest University in April, 2004. Journal photo by Megan Morr.

On biological clocks, risks, and rewards of older parenthood

2007-03-29T14:18:00.000-04:00

In the last few weeks, we've talked variously about this study and that which have put older parenthood in some new light. Some of the studies are somewhat frightening, particularly those about the genetic risks that come with later pregnancies. Others have been more positive, including the study from Brian Powell et al noted earlier this month that found parents 35 and older were more likely to pass on cultural, economic and social resources to their children. So, what to do with all this information?

Here's what I think: Prospective older parents need to make an informed choice, balancing the potential social benefits that they pass along to their children by waiting against the genetic realities of getting older. After a certain age, a few years plus or minus around 40, biology begins to catch up with us. Studies have shown that it's harder for older couples to conceive, and the chance for miscarriage is also higher. The risk of certain genetic conditions is also higher for older parents, as oft-noted here. That said, though there is an increase, the chances that a child will be genetically "normal" are still higher than a genetically "abnormal," for lack of better terms. It's sad but true that there are inherent genetic risks in any pregnancy. But it's also true, I've heard time and again, that many feel they are more confident parents when they get older and better able to provide a stable home for their children and are more able to give them the kind of childhood they think they should have.

Of course, the decision to have a child is not always about that child, but what the parents want for themselves and their families. I've also noted testimony here from older first-time dads how having children has completely changed their lives for the better. That's true for me too. I've gotten more from my two kids these last six years than I think I've had from anything else in my life - more laughter, more tears, more understanding, and overall just a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

I'd like to hear what you think.

Parental involvement, day care and childhood behavior

2007-03-26T14:54:00.000-04:00

Lots of media attention being focused today on newly released results from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development study, which found that "the more time children spent in center-based care before kindergarten, the more likely their sixth grade teachers were to report such problem behaviors as 'gets in many fights,' 'disobedient at school,' and 'argues a lot.'" Also noted is that kids in higher quality care before kindergarten had better vocabulary scores than did kids from lower-quality places.

Less attention is being given to the caveat the authors note, quoting here from an NIH release: "[T]he researchers cautioned that the increase in vocabulary and problem behaviors was small, and that parenting quality was a much more important predictor of child development than was type, quantity, or quality, of child care."

the way I see it, on average it looks like active, involved parents can help overcome the slight increases in bad behavior that may come from sending the little ones off to day care. This is good news to me, as I have one in daycare and one who just transitioned to kindergarten.

The new daddy workload

2007-03-20T13:57:00.000-04:00

I noted back in October a major study that indicated fathers are much more active now in the roles they play in family life than they were a few decades ago. Today, the Washington Post picked up on the issue in a story with a headline that reads "Fathers Are No Longer Glued to Their Recliners" (It's actually a companion piece to a story about "Mommy Guilt," which has been their main story for a while today on their web site.)

To quote: [t]he total workloads of married mothers and fathers -- when paid work is added to child care and housework -- is roughly equal, at 65 hours a week for mothers and 64 hours for fathers.
"It's not the case that men are slugs," said William Doherty, a family studies professor at the University of Minnesota who has done several studies on fatherhood. "It's a new generation of fathers, and they are internalizing some of the very high expectations that mothers have."

One of the interviews they did was with an older dad, Chris Calhoun, 47:

"This is the best thing that's ever happened to me," Calhoun said, gazing toward his 4-year-old son, Evan. His daughter, who is 2, was at home in Bethesda with her mom.
To make more time for his children, Calhoun structures his workdays around them as much as possible -- heading to his corporate real estate job in Fair Lakes for business hours, then coming home for a family dinner and time with the children from 5 to 8 p.m.
Once his children are in bed, he works again -- from 8 to 11 p.m.

Do children get more from older parents?

2007-03-16T15:01:00.000-04:00

I was talking in my last post about the gifts I felt I was able to give my children as an older parent. Now I've found a study published last year by sociologists who found a trend among older parents.

The study is titled Advancing Age, Advantaged Youth: Parental Age and the Transmission of Resources to Children. The authors found that parents 35 and older were more likely to pass on cultural, economic and social resources to their children. The study looked mostly at mothers but a supplemental analysis also found a similar effect corresponding to paternal age. The researchers were looking at such things as whether the children had taken musical or other cultural classes, if the parents had started saving for college, if they knew their children's friends and their parents, if they routinely do things with their children, and if they volunteer at school.

"What we found throughout this research is a remarkably consistent pattern that suggests that advancing age of mothers - and, as suggested by supplementary analyses, fathers - provides an advantage to youths," the authors conclude.

The authors caution against overreaching, that there may be areas not studied where younger parents would be better able to provide resources. One example they give is that it may be advantageous to have younger children in areas such as play, sports and other areas that require physical energy or stamina.

Thank you to Brian Powell of Indiana University, the lead author, who provided me with a reprint of the article. The abstract and citation are in the next comment.

"Today Show" weighs in on male biological clock issue

2007-03-14T11:02:00.000-04:00

The Today Show's Dr. Nancy Snyderman did a piece Tuesday on the issue of the male biological clock, making the comparison that if a woman's biological clock is like Big Ben, then a male's clock is like a pocketwatch ticking away less noticed.

I was impressed that the devoted so much time to the issue, a total of about four minutes. (The video actually runs about five minutes, but some of it is unrelated talk about Regis' bypass surgery.) At the same time, I thought the piece had an odd feel to it. As I have noted here earlier, some people have argued that the male biological clock concept has been surpressed for political reasons. I have opined on these cyberpages that it has possibly been under-reported because so few men read preganancy/parenting publications. But as it has become more and more a mainstream story (can you get more mainstream than the Today Show?) I'm starting to see a repeated theme in the stories - a lot of them have a kind of bemused comeuppance tone to them. It's not like this is a boy-girl "Mad About You" storyline here - these are serious issues that women and men need to consider together as they get older but still want children. I mean, do we really need the David Bowie/Queen song "Under Pressure" overdubbed during the interview of the guy talking about his decision to wait?

anyway, here's the link (See under "Tuesday's video." if this gets outdated, I was also able to find it by searching for "biological clock" under the show's video search page): http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/12065856/

The best thing for my kids about being an older dad

2007-03-09T11:03:00.000-05:00

Read as much about older parents as I do, and you'll soon see that one of the biggest reasons people are glad they waited to have kids is because their finances are in better shape in mid-career than they were when they were younger. That's true for my wife and me as well - while not exactly flush with cash, we can usually provide what we want our children to have.

But I find the money far less valuable than two other things I can provide at this age than I probably could have earlier - my time to share with them, and a stable home to grow up in.

I was still moving around a lot when the first round of my friends started having kids, I was 30 by the time I finished graduate school. After that, I moved around trying to establish my career. I never lived in a place more than a few years before moving on.

Five years ago I bought my first home, and it is, for the most part, the only home my son has known, and the only place my daughter has lived outside of the time she spent in the NICU. Des and I are planning at this point that our kids will spend the whole of thier childhoods in the pink house in Lewisville we call home.

It was much the same for me and my brother Scott, the two kids in my parents' second generation of children. The two of us lived in three different houses, but all within about two blocks of each other. I lived in the same house from when I was 5 until I went off to college.

It was a much different experience for my older siblings, all born in the 1940s. My parents moved from state to state and house to house - my sister once counted 11 different homes she lived in as a child. I think my brother and I got the better end of that deal.

Because we are more settled, my wife and I can spend much more time face-to-face with our kids, and I think that's the best gift a parent can give a child. The money helps ease things for us for sure, but I doubt it makes much difference in a child's life. Even though my parents had settled down, they still didn't have much, but it never seemed to matter to us. Having a place I can look back on and call my childhood home, now that matters a lot.

Joining the club...

2007-03-07T17:31:00.000-05:00

Apparently you can be an older parent and still be considered hot. Grey's Anatomy star Patrick Dempsey, 41, and wife Jillian welcomed twin sons into the world last month. Mother and babies are reportedly doing fine. Also last month, Desperate Housewives star Marcia Cross, 44, and husband Tom Mahoney, 49, celebrated the birth of twin girls. Cross was put on precautionary bed rest but had an otherwise problem-free pregnancy, according to the celebrity press, and the baby girls are reported to be healthy.

"Heh, dee-dee"

2007-03-01T16:21:00.000-05:00

Was this a milestone night for the Laney-bug? I don't know -- I'll report, you decide. It all happened at about 4:30 a.m. this morning. My wife had been up about a half hour earlier (we've gotten to the point where we both wake up now, so Des can give me a friendly reminder of how unfair it is that the baby always wants her whenever she doesn't sleep through the night. Why this conversation can't occur at 8 a.m. I have no idea.) The 10-month-old Laney-bug was about to get back to sleep when my son awoke with a bloody nose. In times of crisis, he also prefers my wife to me - sometimes it seems like I'm little more than a glorified playmate with a checking account who happens to know how to make cinnamon toast.

So I took over the business of getting baby back to sleep. She was babbling as usual about all things pppbbbpttt and ffffmmmttt, etc. It was during this noisy twilight interlude that Laney turns to me and says, clear as a bell, "Heh, dee-dee." Could it be? Did she just say "Hey, Daddy?" It sure sounded like it. She drifted off not long after that. For all I know, she was trying in her little limited-vocabulary way to say "Your hair looks even more ridiculous at 4 in the morning than it does during the day," but who knows? My son started saying "dada" at about seven months, which I took no small measure of pride in until I realized that in his world "dada" also referred to Mommy, the dog, and most of his favorite toys. But Laney does have some words going - she's gotten pretty good about saying dog ("daw") and just started "uh-oh," two words that go together often regarding our 11-year-old border-collie mix.

One less option for older parents

2007-03-01T13:25:00.000-05:00

It goes almost without saying that as people grow older and their ability to conceive declines, other options can still fill their desire for a child, including adoption. But for many that may soon become more difficult.

We ran a story today about new restrictions on adoptions of children from China. The new restrictions prohibit, among other things, people who are over 50 from adopting. I for one can't figure out how they came up with 50 as the cut-off age. It seems to me that someone in their 50s in reasonably good health (which they should be, since physical conditions are another reason to be denied) then you would think they would be around long enough to raise the child into mature adulthood. Also, they are looking for parents with solid financials, which would also tend to favor older parents. And older parents understand what kind of commitment they are making as they adopt, presumably it's a decision they've made where they feel they have the love, time and resources to make good parents. I'm sure more older parents than ever are looking at adoption given the recent attention on the genetic risks involved in having a child of their own.

There are still other adoption alternatives out there. I know a few couples who have adopted from China, and they have said that the process there was more reliable than what they had heard about other countries. Hopefully some of that has changed in recent years.

An older dad, a miracle baby

2007-02-21T11:19:00.000-05:00

How could you not be moved by the story of Amillia Taylor, the tiny baby born after just under 22 weeks in her mommy's tummy? She was less than 10 inches long, and weighed under 10 ounces, when she was born in October. She has spent most of her life in the NICU since then but was released to go home for the first time yesterday. What a joyful day for a baby who had little chance of survival. She is believed to be one of the youngest preemies to survive. A typical gestation is about 37 to 40 weeks. My daughter was born at 35 weeks, and even at that age still had to spend time in the NICU before coming home. Although we were told she was never in any immediate danger, it was scary to have her hooked up to so many tubes, and it was sad when she couldn't come home straight from the hospital nursery. I can't begin to imagine what four months in the NICU was like.

I asked my wife what she thought of Amillia's story, and she said "Every family has a miracle. Look within your own family because miracles are there."

According to the Miami Herald the mother is 37 and the father is 46, and Amillia was conceived with the help of in vitro fertilization.

It could be argued - and in fact is being argued now on some other blogs - the the benefits of bringing a young baby into the world this way need to be weighed against the potential risks, which this case makes clear. Some have argued that adoption would have been a better choice than IVF for the Taylors (and in their defense, they are also in the process of adopting a 16-year-old daughter.) Any thoughts?

More on autism

2007-02-19T17:16:00.000-05:00

In September, I noted a study that found the risk of children with autism rises with advanced paternal age, the results of which some in the autism community have questioned. Today the results of a new study were made public which indicates that the brain disorder may be linked to genetics in a more complex way than previously known.

You can get information on the new study at www.autismspeaks.org

Also, Sunday's New York Times featured a story on autism's impact on unaffected siblings. The upshot: The experience lead some siblings to become more mature and caring than their peers.

Not exactly a role model for older fatherhood

2007-02-13T13:19:00.000-05:00

How can I get Zsa Zsa Gabor and Anna Nicole Smith into a blog about older dads? Easy, thanks to Gabor's husband, Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, 59, who has thrown his hat into the ring surrounding the paternity of Smith's infant daughter. According to published reports, the prince said: "My wife says, 'If you bring a baby home then it's over.' If my wife wants to divorce me then it's up to her." Von Anhalt and Gabor, who is 90, have been married for more than 20 years. The prince claims the baby is the result of a long-running affair with Smith.

I think what has drawn people into the paternity case here, aside form the sheer celebrity factor, is that we all know there's an unknowable number of children out there who would love to have dads fighting to embrace them instead of ditch them, but they don't stand to inherit millions as Smith's daughter does. Is that what's motivating people to come forward in this case? I don't know, only the three men involved do. Hopefully they're motivated by the fatherly love they all claim is driving them. I wish the best for young Dannielyn - here's hoping this spectacle ends quickly and she ends up with a loving dad who will do his best to provide a secure and stable home for her. I'm also glad she's too young to see what's going on around her.

Music for dads (and everyone) from Rodney Atkins

2007-02-09T13:13:00.000-05:00

"Watching You," a song by Rodney Atkins about a father's influence on his young son, has been No. 1 on the country charts for a couple of weeks running now. You can view the video at his website, www.rodneyatkins.com - just click "Launch the media player" tab. If you haven't seen it already, I would check it out. Kind of like Harry Chapin's "Cat's in the Cradle," it's a good reminder of how much influence we parents have on our childrens' lives, but this song is a lot more upbeat and has a good sense of humor. (Where "Cat's in the Cradle" was a total downer, even as a kid it bummed me out.) Trust me, you don't have to be a country music fan to enjoy this one.

A Plum interview

2007-02-02T10:19:00.000-05:00

Last week I interviewed Mary Jane Horton, editor in chief of Plum Magazine. Plum is a pregnancy magazine for the 35-and-older mom. It comes out twice a year, and is available at Borders and Barnes & Noble, as well as their website, www.plummagazine.com. Horton is an older mom herself - she had a son at 36 and a daughter at 40. She said the world is embracing the concept of older parenting. If you want to hear more from her, I have attached some audio files of our interview.

We talked about how Plum Magazine came about and what makes it different from a typical pregnancy mag.
Click here for her description. (1:58 minutes)

As I've noted before on this blog, there is an emerging concept of a male "biological clock," similar to what has been talked about for women for years. I asked her if, given that there are some genetic risks to being an older parent, if she was worried that she might be advocating for something that may have an adverse effect on the child. "I don't think when you're talking about from 35 to 45, no," she said. "I do worry about it older than that." But knowing at what age should there be cause for concern is difficult, she said. She suggested that prospective older parents talk to their doctors about the risks and benefits.
Hear more of her answer here. (1:15 minutes)

The magazine has information about healthy pregnancies, birthing information, and taking care of the child from birth to about six months. What can a man get out of the magazine? Men don't tend to read a lot about pregnancy, she said (how true!), but the magazine offers good, fact-checked information any parent can use. There's also a men's photo essay.
Hear more about the magazine here. (2:27 minutes)

To hear the full interview (about 9 minutes) click here.

Making the daddy-baby bond

2007-01-29T16:59:00.000-05:00

Here's an article from Parenting Magazine with tips on how dads can bond with baby. It's written mostly from a woman's perspective - i.e. how do you get daddy involved? - but still, you may find the tips useful.

Can you be a hip dad over 40?

2007-01-22T13:20:00.000-05:00

It has almost no relevance to my life, but I enjoy reading the insights by Washington Post blogger Jill Hudson Neal - "Still Me - The Cool Mom's Guide to Staying Hip."

And yet, she thinks she has problems? Try being a 43-year-old guy with two young kids. In my 20s I danced in Georgetown nightclubs and drank beer in fashionable Baltimore pubs. In college, I even had a new-music radio show. But as the years went on it became harder to be hip, and having kids, while a total blessing, didn't make it any easier. I knew I had crossed a signifianct hipness plateau when I relaized I couldn't name any members of Coldplay* but knew all the first names of The Wiggles. I don't think there's any going back at this point. I find some comfort in lyrics from Tower of Power (and if you're old enough to read this blog you're old enough to remember the band):

As you're striving to find the right road
There's one thing you should know
What's hip today might become passe'

Can I ever relate!

* For the record, the members of Coldplay are: Chris Martin, guitars, piano, voice; Guy Berryman, bass; Jonny Buckland, lead guitar; Will Champion, drums.

The last place I'd expect to see a parenting article

2007-01-17T12:18:00.000-05:00

I'm used to seeing articles about the grandparent experience in AARP - The Magazine (which I can read at my mother's house). The latest issue has an article about post-50 parents. "What's it like to be changing diapers at 50?" it asks. Indeed. You can see the issue here.

Rachel Reich

2007-01-16T11:06:00.000-05:00

Last week I had the sad duty to report on the death of Rachel Reich, who died at the age of 38 after a battle with cancer that lasted more than two years. I first met Rachel in the summer of 2005, when someone suggested I let people know about a fundraiser that was being held for her. It didn't take long to realize there was a larger story here. Her cancer was diagnosed not long after she found out she was pregnant with her daughter Siera. Rachel said her doctors suggested immediate treatment for the cancer but said the treatment would create risks for the unborn baby. She decided to wait on the treatment, fight the cancer with herbal remedies in the meantime, then fight the cancer all-out after the baby was born. She knew her decision would give the cancer time to spread, but she felt she was doing the best for her baby.

I probably heard more from readers about this story than any other since I've been at the Journal. There were some who disagreed with the way she fought the cancer and the way she spent the money she raised. But even most of those people said they appreciated the sacrifices she made for her family.

I had the chance to interview her several times, sometimes just over the phone, sometimes at her family's small house in Lewisville. Some of those interviews could be difficult - the cancer in her mouth made her difficult to understand, and she sometimes barely had enough energy to discuss her struggle. In those conversations - which usually included Journal photographer Jason Arthurs - she was very candid about how sick she was feeling but also how she felt she could fight on. Her boundless conviction that she was doing the right thing made you believe in her and pull for her.

Back on topic

2007-01-10T11:38:00.000-05:00

I had a wonderful experience at the Orange Bowl, and rested if not quite tanned I'm ready to get back to the usual topic of conversation. I thought I would lay out a few ideas for what I'd like to do this year. Here are some of my thoughts, and if there's anything you would like to see not mentioned here, let me know.
In no particular order:

* Some financial issues came up last year about college expenses and how people often underestimate the costs. Those reports didn't take into account that many of us will be facing college at the same time retirement is upon us, so I'm hoping to get some ideas on how to balance that issue.

* We'll probably talk a lot about the emerging concept of a male biological clock, an idea that got a lot of attention last year as the genetic risks of advanced paternal age came to the fore. It's probably worthwhile to have a discussion on the folowing topic: " Is there such a point when old becomes too old?"

* I have only had one generation of kids, but I know a lot of older dads have done what's been called "re-fathering," having a second round of children as their first set gets older. We will bring some of those fathers into the conversation to see how it's different.

* I'm also this year going to be on the lookout for health news for older men. My goal is to lose some weight this year, and as someone who lost a parent young, I know we all want to be there for our children and be healthy enough to get the most out of being parents. (You'd think that's be execise enough!)

* I also plan to continue posting some of my own experiences with my two kids, Sean and Delaney, just as a way of keeping things kind of personal here.

Orange Bowl reflections

2007-01-06T21:48:00.000-05:00

I awoke the morning of the OB on the floor of a balcony of the Westin Diplomat, where I had decided to take advantage of the 70-degree weather and the roar of the ocean to help put me to sleep. (With four of us guys in a two-bed room, I was bound to sleep on the floor anyway!) When I awoke at night, I could see the lights of the ships as they passed slowly during the night, and the sunrise over the Atlantic was truly awesome, a sight I will never forget. Not many people on the beach at 7:30 am as I ventured out to collect some seashells for my 6-year-old son, an avid nature collector. There was a lot of excitement in the lobby and later at the pool as fans continued to drift in and everyone got ready for the game.
The rain did a number on us tailgaters, but it seemed to end not long before the game got started. I thought we would be vastly outnumbered by Louisville fans, but it didn't seem that way. Wake's side was well-represented and, from where I sat, seemed to be the more enthusiastic. We stood almost the whole game and the pom-poms flashed in unison at the right times. Of course I would have liked the game to have turned out differently, but I felt the team and the fans handled the loss well. Very, very few Deacon fans left before the end of the game, and the team got a long standing ovation when came down to our corner to salute their supporters.
"Proud to be a Deacon" seemed to be a phrase coined for this moment. I hated to see it end.

I don't know where the energy comes from, but it's here

2007-01-02T09:47:00.000-05:00

The first leg of the "do anything to be here" journey began at 12:10 am Monday, leaving Mocksville in a van with fellow travelrs Art, Don and Rob. It was dark and rainy, and scattered gunfire of New Year's revelers in Davie County accompanied our departure. We each took three-hour shifts of driving - mine was the 3:30 to 6:30 am shift, a dark-gray drizzly stretch through east Georgia, kept awake with the throbbing disco of the 70s station on satellite radio. We arrived at 1 p.m Monday, sunny and 80 degrees in Hollywood, Fla. , where it is flooded with Deacon fans.

Headin' to the Orange Bowl

2006-12-31T21:12:00.000-05:00

I love being a Dad more than anything else, but all parents need a break once in a while. My other passion is Wake Forest, and so for the next few days this blog will take a southward detour. After my Sunday night shift I'm climbing into a van for the drive to Miami for three days of Orange Bowl immersion. If you get the idea I'm doing this on the cheap, you're right. This is a trip I simply would not miss no matter how many pennies had to be pinched to pull it off. After all, this could be Wake's Woodstock - a defining moment in the life of the school where people like me will do whatever it takes just to be there and share some stories. I hope you'll come along.

Thank you

2006-12-26T15:02:00.000-05:00

I hope y'all are having a wonderful holiday season. I just wanted to say thanks to all my readers and posters. It's been a rewarding first couple of months for me, and I'm looking forward to exploring more ideas in 2007.

Daddy G.

More than just gifts

2006-12-18T15:04:00.000-05:00

I thought this was a great tip that came in a recent weekly newsletter I get from the people at Fathers.com : Ask your kids what they remember getting last year at Christmas. The idea is to remind them of the temporal nature of material gifts. My wife asked our son what he remembered last year, and I was surprised that the first thing he mentioned wasn't one of the higher-ticket items we got for him, but a slide whistle that allowed him to make silly sounds like the ones in Looney Tunes cartoons. If I recall, it cost $1.

2006-12-13T09:54:00.000-05:00

The genetic risks of older parenthood in general and fatherhood in particular has come up several times on this blog. Now comes a story in the New York Times about some parents using preimplantation genetic diagnosis in the hopes of passing along their genetic diagnoses to their children so their kids will be "like them." It's a fascinating read.

Who does your kid remind you of...?

2006-12-03T21:17:00.000-05:00

=
?
I just figured out this weekend that my six-year-old is hyperimaginitive, loves dinosaurs and outer space, and believes there is no greater form of entertainment than cartoon explosions a la Looney Tunes. Reminds me of another blond 6-year-old I can think of.

Congratulations to...

2006-11-29T11:16:00.000-05:00

Matt Lauer, the Today Show co-anchor, and his wife, Annette Roque, on the birth of their third child, a boy they have named Thijs in honor of Roque's Dutch heritage. Lauer is 48. Try as I might, I cannot find out how old his wife is.

Quick-hit lit

2006-11-28T13:41:00.000-05:00

I used to read a lot of fiction in my free time, but since the birth of my daughter, the only reading I seem to be able to get to has been Dr. Seuss. (And I was shocked to figure out last night that I'm the same age as the Grinch. "Why, for 43 years I've put up with it now...")

So I've recently gotten hooked on a site that serializes new works of fiction, www.fivechapters.com
You get one new section a day for five days, most of which can be read in those few rare moments of down time I manage to accumulate. I've enjoyed what I've read so far.

A warning though - it's not literature designed to be shared with the family. Some of the stories, including this week's, are for mature audiences only.

Okay, has anyone tried Red Bull or Vault?

2006-11-26T18:03:00.000-05:00

I'm looking for something to give me more energy. I have to admit it, I just don't feel as rested this time around.

My daughter is not yet sleeping through the night, and for whatever reason it's been much harder than when my son was an infant. I freely admit that my wife, Desiree, is up more with the baby than I am. But I'm feeling more sleep-deprived than ever. Maybe it's because the sleep is interrupted every few hours on any given night. Or maybe it is the the fact that I'm six years older this time.

Tips for the weary gladly accepted...

A political scientist looks at male reproduction

2006-11-21T14:10:00.000-05:00

A reader on an earlier post has brought to my attention this new book by Rutgers political scientist Cynthia Daniels, titled "Exposing Men: The Science and Politics of Male Reproduction."

I have sent an e-mail to Dr. Daniels to request an interview, but if you want to hear some of her comments on the book, click here to hear the audio or read a transcript of an interview she did on NPR's Living on Earth program.

Or you can read about the book here at the website of the book's publisher, Oxford University Press.

Touching column about an older dad's new book

2006-11-15T17:27:00.000-05:00

I hope y'all had a chance to see Kim Underwood's column from the weekend, about Dennis Paul. Paul was 49 when his daughter was born, and has been thinking about his own mortality as she has grown up. In case you missed it, you can read it here.

Some numbers worth talking about

2006-11-03T11:50:00.000-05:00

I got this interesting post on a subject I posted in September about the risks of advanced paternal age. I thought it was important enough that I would go ahead and create a new thread so people won't have to go to the archives to see it:

[from Anonymous]:

I would point out that 26.6 % of schizophrenia has been attributed to advanced paternal age in families where there is no prior known incidence of this condition. If you search advanced paternal age and schizophrenia you can find this throughout the world. I also would read James F. Crow's articel on Spontaneous Mutations, Is it a health risk?

A 10% risk of a genetic problem is big in my opinion.

My thoughts on this are in the next comment

Thoughts on a warm autumn day's stroll

2006-11-02T14:12:00.000-05:00

I took advantage of a warm fall day yesterday to take my daughter for a stroll in the neighborhoods around her daycare during my lunch break. What a beautiful time it was, hearing the leaves crunch underneath the wheels and looking at all the beautiful colors in the trees.

At sixth months, she's really starting to babble, and I know her first words will come soon. I remember how excited I was when my son was about the same age and started calling me "Dada." It made me right proud at first, until I realized that he also called his mother, his bottle and most of his toys "Dada."

I had lunch with my mother earlier in the week. She was 42 when I was born and had lived through the depression as a child and young motherhood during World War II, long before I came along. And here I was with her little granddaughter, just getting some of her first glimpses of falling leaves. My mother was born 85 years before my daughter. That's just an amazing thing to me.

Autism update

2006-10-19T11:42:00.000-04:00

Last month I linked to a story about reseach indicating that autism rates rise with the age of the father regardless of the age of the mother. Now comes research that found a link between autism and - of all things - time spent in front of the tube.

You can read the Cornell University study here.

Is your kid really special enough to get that scholarship?

2006-10-19T11:09:00.000-04:00

I know alot of us are one day going to be faced with paying for college at the same time we're getting ready to retire. It's a financial double-whammy that makes lots of us nervous. And it probably should. A new report by AllianceBernstein Investments Inc., an asset-management firm in New York, found that parents don't adequately prepare for their children's college expenses and are overly confident in their abilities to turn talents into scholarships.

The report is titled:

WHY CAN'T JOHNNY AFFORD COLLEGE?
BECAUSE HIS PARENTS SPEND UNWISELY, DEPEND ON DEBT,
AND HAVE UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS FOR FINANCIAL AID

Ouch!

Happy half-birthday...

2006-10-18T16:36:00.000-04:00

...to my daughter, Delaney, who turned six months old today. That means I've been an over-40 new dad for half a year now. It seems like both a long time ago and only yesterday that she was born. My wife, Desiree, had a very difficult pregnancy, and it has been a real blessing that we got through it and have had this wonderful new addition to our family. Now, if she would only sleep through the night...

Trends in spending time with kids

2006-10-18T10:11:00.000-04:00

Here's an interesting read: One of today's most e-mailed stories from the New York Times is about a large study that looked at several years worth of data on the family workload. Among the trends - moms spend as much time with the kids now as the did 40 years ago despite more of the women being in the workforce. Also noted was gender equity in the workloads, with men and women both averaging about 65 hours per week.

Ads with older dads

2006-10-18T10:04:00.000-04:00

you know your issue is going mainstream when even Madison Avenue notices. I saw a commercial last night where a man with a little grey in his hair is eating cereal and his wife walks in with a preganancy test. He then glances up a a family picture with him and a girl in a graduation gown. And then he grimaces with a "here we go again" look on his face. I guess he thought his child rearing days were over. At first I thought it was a commercial for the pregnancy test, but actually its for the cereal - promoting its health and energy benefits.

Study: Free-play time for kids undervalued

2006-10-11T10:41:00.000-04:00

You may have heard some of the media reports about a study from the American Academy of Pediatrics which urges more unstructured play time for children. The full 32-page report is available on the American Academy of Pediatrics' web site and is worth reading. It is available here:

http://www.aap.org/pressroom/playFINAL.pdf

For those who don't have the time to read the full report or want to know what the study is all about, here is the abstract:

ABSTRACT. Play is essential to development as it contributes to the cognitive, physical, social, and emotional well-being of children and youth. Play also offers an ideal opportunity for parents to engage fully with their children. Despite the benefits derived from play for both children and parents, time for free play has been markedly reduced for some children. This report addresses a variety of factors that have reduced play, including a hurried lifestyle, changes in family structure, and increased attention to academics and enrichment activities at the expense of recess or free child-centered play. This report offers guidelines on how pediatricians can advocate for children by helping families, school systems, and communities consider how best to ensure play is protected as they seek the balance in children’s lives to create the optimal developmental milieu.

The importance of just being there

2006-10-05T11:18:00.000-04:00

I was very moved by an e-mail from Art P., from which I quote below:

You know, I suppose I am lucky because my father just died two years ago on his birthday at 82. But then, as he was a Neurosurgeon, I was never really a priority in his life due to the fact that there was always someone more important who needed their life to be saved. That's just the way it was growing up. He did apologize, however, for not being there for his family a week before he passed and I guess this comforts me, knowing that at least he was cognizant of what had happened during his life, but it seems little compensation to a lonely little boy. Would have rather had the time to get to know him better because, as it turns out, he was a very interesting man. But, if nothing else, my experience has certainly helped to set in stone my priorities for my own family. He told me that, "No one ever writes on their gravestone 'I wish I had spent more time at work.'" Something he learned from his Oncologist, far too late.

Over the last few years, I have looked back on the amount of time I have spent on my kids and sometimes wondered if it would have been in their best interest for me to focus more of my attention on getting ahead so that I could do a better job of providing for them. But Art is right. The time you give just being there for them, to talk to them and help them grow, is probably the best thing you can do for them. And I doubt my kids will ever say "Why didn't you spend less time with me?"

Homecoming

2006-10-02T16:56:00.000-04:00

This weekend was my 20th college homecoming reunion, and I was struck - as I wandered past gatherings of people from my Class of '86 and a few years beyond - how many couples I saw with young children. I know technically they are old enough to be grandparents, but I got the impression that for many of them this was their first generation of children. In my group of about a dozen or so people, there were three of us - all in our early 40s - who had children within the last two years.

I asked one of them, my friend Fritz, who has a 16-month old son, to tell me what life is like for him now with a new child. Here is what he wrote:

"As for becoming a Dad, it's the single, most wonderful event in my entire life. I think about things that I've never thought about previously - where I live and how I live, and particularly how my career fits in with all of my other priorities. Saturday used to be a fairly routine work day for me, at least in the morning. It's now officially designated as 'family day' in the Smith household. When I'm around my son, I always seem to have his safety and happiness at the fore in all of my thoughts. I want to protect (but not necessarily isolate) him from all the bad in the world, teach him to avoid the mistakes I've made, and with my wife's help, create a warm and loving environment for him to grow up in. I love my wife, my parents, my brother and sister and their families dearly, but the love that I have for my son is somehow stronger. It's unconditional, at least for now, and I hope it never changes."

Elvis Costello and wife, Diana Krall, expecting twins

2006-10-01T18:29:00.000-04:00

I have been a fan of musician Elvis Costello since the early 1980's, so I was happy to hear he will be joining the ranks of older dads. Costello, 52, and wife Diana Krall, 41, also a talented musician, are expecting twins in December. Costello has a son, Matthew, from a previous marriage.

On the radio - Older Fathers and Reproductive Risks

2006-09-28T14:11:00.000-04:00

Earlier this week, Diane Rehm did a very thorough and informative show about older dads, which you can find here: http://www.wamu.org/programs/dr/06/09/26.php#12040

For many of us, it's been a difficult summer of bad news about the decision to wait to have children. The first wave of news came in July with reports on a study from the journal Obstetrics & Gynecology that found miscarriage rates rise with the age of the father, regardless of the age of the mother. Then other reports about health risks to the baby, such as the autism link I have posted below, began to come out.

Take heart: The important context comes near the end of Rehm's show, where one of her guests estimated that more than 90 percent of babies born to older couples are normal.

You are not alone - some stats about older dads

2006-09-20T10:19:00.000-04:00

Because, of course, all guys like stats, here are some numbers from the Centers for Disease Control that reflect the trend toward older dads. According to the CDC's most recent data, between 1980 and 2003 the number of live births per 1,000 men decreased in males between 15 and 29. But the birth rate increased for that time period for almost all age categories 30 and over. For men 40 to 44 years old, the number of live births per 1,000 men increased from 17.1 to 23.4. For men 45 to 49, the number of births increased from 6.1 to 7.6. For men 50 to 54 years, the number increased from 2.2 to 2.5. The only category where there wasn't an increase was men 55 and older, which stated the same: 0.3 births per 1,000 men.

Of course, there is a parallel trend for women. As the CDC notes:

"Births to older women continue to increase. From 2003 to 2004, the birth rate for women aged 30–34 years increased slightly (less than 1 percent) while the rate for women aged 35–39 years rose by 4 percent. The birth rate for women 40–44 years increased 3 percent, to 9.0, and the rate for women aged 45–49 years increased in 2004 to 0.6 births per 1,000 women."

You can read the CDC's 2004 report on births here.

Finally, something the kids can agree on

2006-09-19T14:30:00.000-04:00

Emily Bazelon of Slate summarizes three new books about homework and determines it's a waste of time for elementary- school students.

Best/worst things about being an older dad...

2006-09-14T10:10:00.000-04:00

Best: I'm more financially secure than I've ever been so I can provide the basics for my children. And when college expenses start to hit, at least I'll be eligible for senior citizen discounts at restaurants.

Worst: The grandparents thing. I never got to meet either of my grandfathers, they were both dead before I was born. And my kids will never meet my father. I'm thankful for the good health of my mother, a truly "great" grandmother.

Good news for the lady in your life?: 40+ mothers are healthier

2006-09-12T16:20:00.000-04:00

If you read through this study, you'll see that the researchers found that women who have a child after they turn 40 experience better health later in life than those who started younger. They say it may not be that having a child late in life makes you healthier, but that the women who had kids later were in good enough health to have a child.

From the headlines: Autism risk increases with advancing paternal age

2006-09-08T11:38:00.000-04:00

Click here for an article on Autism

Want to know about MY dad? Here's a column I wrote in 2004

2006-09-08T11:22:00.000-04:00

THE FATHER IN MY HEART
PAT GARBER

A few weeks ago, I found a picture of my Dad that I had never seen.
It has quickly earned a special place in my heart.
I don't value it for the quality of the photograph. It's far too overexposed for that. There's so much light coming into the camera lens that most of the details have been completely washed out. My father's face is almost completely lost in a bright flash of white that almost overtakes the whole frame.
But there's enough detail to show that he has his arms wrapped around me and my brother Scott as we stare, blank-faced, into the camera, as we pose by a tree.
The picture was taken near the home where we lived, on the corner of West End Boulevard and Jarvis Street, in August 1964. I was 14 months old, my brother was 2, and my father was 46.
Eight years after that grainy black-and-white photo was taken, my father died.
I have few photographs of my Dad. I like this one the best because it's the only one that I know of that shows the loving bond between him and me.
I know that bond was there, nurtured over countless trips to Tanglewood and the Nature Science Center that was once in Reynolda Village. My Dad, my brother and I did many things together, and I considered him my best friend.
If we had known he would be gone when I was just 9, I'm sure more pictures would have been taken. As it was, Dad was our family's photographer. He's in precious few of the family photographs that fill several freezer bags at my mother's house.
He was usually behind the lens, preferring to snap the picture instead of appearing in it. I still have the camera, part of the Kodak Retina Series of cameras, that he used in the last years of his life.
I'll be darned if I know how to use it. But I often wonder, as I look through its viewfinder, if we compose the world in the same way - as if I could look into this vastly changed world and somehow figure out some kind of universal truth that the two of us could see together that could be captured forever on film.
I'll never really know.
It's part of the mystery of losing a parent at such a young age.
Just as you could look at the picture and wonder about the ghostlike features that the sun erased 40 years ago, I can trace my life through time and wonder how things would have been different had my father been there for me beyond the nine years we spent together.
But I'll never really know.
I am a father, too. My son, Sean, is 3. Already, the pictures I have of the two of us could fill a freezer bag.